I owe you something

I always wondered how some people randomly happen in our lives and we do not have any say in it. If you rewind your life’s DVD a little and see how on earth this particular person came into your life – it might sound as a strange coincidence, fate, or destiny. May be it is God’s act of uniting people who had something to do with each other in the first place, who were compatible in someway.

I am talking about those few who happen to come into your life and make an unforgettable impact, be it good or bad. Some happen at the right time as if they came to rescue you from something, help you pass through a phase, enlighten you of something while some shatter your life, take the peace out of the otherwise perfectly joyful life etc.

Well whoever they are however they are they happen for a reason. A few such people happened in my life too and I am glad they all happened at the right time at the right place and I did not have any bad experiences with them.

I always try to analyze things beyond reason. Of course I did think why certain people came into my life and made such an impact. If I think about, it is not so like me to make friends with those people. After all the analysis and research here are my observations, couple of theories, and conclusions.

I am a Software Engineer by profession and here is my first theory on how and why a random person comes into your life.

Theory1: Assume your life is like a project and God is the Manager. (If you don’t believe in God assume it to be some super natural power in charge). You and this new person happen to be in the same organization. The Manager paired you up with him/her to work together because he thought you both were compatible in someway and can accomplish something together.

Sometimes, things don’t work out as hoped for. For all you know this can be an experiment. The Manager sees that things are not working out as planned and he will decide to end the relationship. That’s how relationships end. At times, even though you get along really well and are excellent together, still the relationship ends.

Reason might be that the Manager thought, this guy/girl is so good we can use their skill set in another project. So let me put this resource to good use somewhere else to change somebody else’s life. That’s another way how your relationship with that person which is going perfectly might end as God has different plans for him/her. Sometimes it can be death which takes away your dear ones from you. They were taken away to help someone somewhere.

I just finished watching a movie “Chances Are”. It is a comedy movie about reincarnation but couple of lines from this movie caught my attention:

We all are connected in one way or other. We keep meeting souls we’re attached to for better or for worse life after life. Some times I wonder why I worry about past lives at all. I am having so much trouble with this one.

Interesting isn’t it? Well, I am a strong believer that you came into my life because we both are connected in someway or the other. I had many instances in my life which made my belief stronger with each experience.

Sometimes some people seem really weird. In spite of that you cannot help but get close to them. Well, your friends around you might think, what is wrong with her? Why is she a friend with such a weird person? It is not so like her.

But weirdness is not a crime. You see there is something in that person that makes them special to you for some peculiar inexplicable reason. I believe that people are generally good. Nobody is perfect and everybody has 50% positives and 50% negatives in them. If you encounter the positives in that person you get close. Not necessary that everybody sees the same thing in that person.

Theory 2: Assume a person is like a multi layered cake. It looks great from the outside. Just fabulous! You can’t wait to taste it. Let us assume it is a Raspberry chocolate walnut cream cheese cakeJ. Well, I don’t know how it tastes but I am not a big fan of raspberry, cream cheese or walnut. Except chocolate I don’t like any other ingredient in that cake.

If you take a vertical slice the cake might taste real bad as a whole or maybe tastes just okay but not that great. That is taking the person as a whole and trying to judge him/her. If you tried to eat just one layer – say raspberry or the cream cheese which you hate, that means you got in touch with the real bad flavor in that person which made you think he/she is a loser.

What if there is one chocolate layer somewhere in between. You see that, don’t bother about other layers and carefully took a slice of just the chocolaty part. It tastes divine and you are just happy to have eaten another slice of the best thing you like. You tried to even attempt to eat that cake because there is chocolate in it. May be only that layer caught your attention.

This is what I am talking about. Since you are concerned only about the chocolate part of it, you don’t care how the rest of the cake looks or tastes. Of course you will not order that cake for your own partyJ (not fall in love with that person or commit for anything major in life) but you don’t mind eating the chocolate layer when you happen to see that cake somewhere else.

One of my friends once said:

We do not get along with everyone. Nobody is perfect really. If they were it would get boring. It’s just that some are easier to get along with than others or maybe some like you more than others. Either way it works.

Quite true! There is much more to a person than the appearance. Remember, appearances are always deceptive. You cannot judge people by looking at them or knowing a few things about them. What ever negative things you heard about them may be circumstantial, not supposed to happen that way but just happened.

I usually don’t judge people. (At least I think I don’t) at the same time, it does not bother me much when I get to know something negative (according to me of course) about them. Even if it does, I do a What-If analysis placing myself in their shoes to understand from their point of view. Life becomes easier, less complicated this way. Your hatred levels go down real quick!

Theory 3: According to our epics/mythology/culture/the concept of rebirth what ever it is, the belief is that life is like a business. All the people in our life are the those we deal with. If I owe you something, as if to complete the transaction, you come into my life in the form of a relationship (obviously you want your money or what ever I owe you back don’t you!) and vice versa. Once the debt is cleared you leave me.

There is a Sanskrit sloka that supports the above theory. I am not sure of the origin of this sloka (which Upanishad, Veda, or epic it comes from) but it has a beautiful meaning about relationships:

Runanu bandha rupena pasu patni sutalaya,

Runa kshaya khsayeyanthi katatra parivedana

It is debt that I owe you or you owe me that comes into our lives in the form of relationships – wife, kids, pets or any other form. Once the debt is cleared the relationship ends. There is nothing to worry that it has ended.

If you noticed the "wife" part, this sloka is for a man! All our ancient scriptures are addressing man. But this can be equally extended, applied for a woman too ;-)

The concept sounds quite simple. Even if you do not believe in this philosophy, there should be some cosmic power which makes all this happen. I try to figure out why certain people came into my life started creating ripples, so many ripples that they formed into powerful waves disturbing my mental balance. Now, I give up. I don’t want to know why. Trying to figure out these kinds of things is way too complex.

Recently one of my friends said something which made me write this post in the first place. I think I am going to give up fighting with my inner voice or what ever that is which keeps on arguing with me about my special friends :-)

Why and how this happens? One can put down to simply 'the act of God'. And why do I even want to analyze the 'why' and not just be thankful?

Conclusions: As long as you are happy in a relationship that’s the only thing that should matter. In case of friendships between opposite sex it is wise to take everything into consideration when taking the friendship to another level and commit to a life long relationship.

I guess I am indebted to all those special people in my life that came and went away. Some are still there who say hello once in a while. But no matter how far we are, how rarely or often we talk or see each other, the strength of the relationship did not change and hopefully will not. I am glad you all came into my life and made me a better person.

A kid’s interpretation of our divine stories

The way in which my son implements the knowledge gained by listening to stories is quite amazing (at least for me). I tried reading some mythology books like Ramayana, Mahabharata, Hanuman, and Ganesha to him even before he turned 2, but he was never interested. Once he crossed 2 he started talking fluently and was in a position to express his views on things. At that point of time I read him Ramayana. The books were really good; written in simple English and lots of pictures. He paid attention to the complete story and asked me lots of questions through out. At the end when I showed him the picture of Rama killing Ravana he asked me:

Son: Mom, why is Rama killing Ravana?
Me: Because he is an evil person and Rama wants to save the lives of many people by killing him.

Son: But Rama is a bad boy. Because he hit Ravana with an arrow and blood is coming from Ravana’s belly.
Me: Ummm, Rama is not bad. Ravana is bad as he took away Rama’s wife and started a fight with Rama and killed many of his people

Son: But Rama is killing many people too. There is blood coming out in the book. Rama is a bad boy. I don’t like him
Me: (searching for words, no munna…it is not like that)

He cries and goes away. And after that when ever I wanted to read him Ramayana he says I don’t like that book.

Well, I thought may be he is not old enough. So I waited till he turned 3 and then told him a few stories in Mahabharata. That did not go well either. Every story had some kind of violence, politics, and strategy. I could not think of a single story where there is a moral with out any side effects. Then I bought him a DVD of Hanuman (Animation). It has become quite popular in India. I got that one and he liked the scene where baby Hanuman flies into the sky when he is hungry to eat the Sun thinking it is a mango. Yeahhhhhhh I was happy.

Now for the side effects I was talking about - There is a scene where they show Hanuman doing penance when he is small and he becomes big while doing so. And my son sat on the couch in that penance style and started shouting:

Son: Mom! I am not growing bigger. Make me grow bigger like Hanuman
Me: Why do you want to grow bigger?

Son: I can touch the fan if I become big
Me: Oh for that I can happily lift you. Don’t try to become big for that

Then he saw scenes where Hanuman goes to Lanka and makes a mess.

Son: Mom, why is Hanuman jumping all over?
Me: Because he is a monkey

Son: Why is he hitting everybody with his mace?
Me: Because he is punishing the bad people

Now he starts hitting me with what ever he has in his hand when I shout at him for spilling water or milk on the couch. When I try to tell him he cannot do that he says he is punishing the bad people (yeah that is me) like Hanuman did. How should I explain him that no matter what I do or say I won’t become a bad person?

This is the best interpretation of all. Recently I told him how Ganesha was born. How Parvathi made an idol of a baby using some bath powder and gave life to it. I usually tell the story with a lot of enthusiasm with sound effects and acting all the scenes. I make him sit on the couch and stand in front of him and tell the stories. (I think I should consider acting in theaters)

So I made this swooooooooosh sound when telling him how Parvathi did some magic and put life into the baby she made and that is how Ganesha was born. My son liked that story and would ask me several times how Parvathi put life into Ganesha. Cute kid!

Now the problem is with the interpretation. The other day he came into the garage when I was doing laundry and saw his old shoes. He wanted to wear those. But they don’t fit him anymore. He insisted on wearing those and I thought let me show him why they don’t fit him. I tried to adjust one shoe to his foot and it did not fit and then here goes our very intelligent conversation:

Son: I want to make this shoe fit.
Me: You are too big for it now. It won’t fit you.

Son: Why am I too big?
Me: Because kids grow and you have grown bigger in the last one month.

Son: OK! Make the shoe big.
Me: (What???????) You cannot make it big

Son: Why?
Me: Becauuuuuuuuse (I always want to give the best answers to all his questions so that he can learn some thing out of it…so here I go) it is a non living thing.

Son: What is a non living thing?
Me: (cursing myself for coming up with that word) Ummm a non living thing does not grow. You are a living thing and you grow big. This shoe is a non living thing and it cannot grow.

Son: Ohhhh! (I was so glad he understood the concept) put some life into it mom. (smiles)
Me; What?? You cannot put life into non living things

Son: (Crying). Yes you can. Put some life into the shoe as Parvathi put life into the baby to make Ganesha

He thinks that all moms’ can put life into things (like Parvathi).

How to avoid fights in relationships? A five point strategy

Relationships are fragile. Handle them with care. Be it with a friend, a partner, colleague anybody, its the same concept. Everybody is human and we all are more or less the same. According to me you change yourself to change others. Do not blame the other person in a relationship. Even if they are wrong you can change yourself to change them as you want them to be. Trust me, I implement all these and I think I am doing fine with the people around me. Recently a friend of mine asked me what is my five point strategy and this is what I said:

1. Patience

Be patient especially when the other person is not. If you wish to win you have to be better than the other person. You need to find out their weak point so pay attention and listen, in particular when they do some thing wrong. If the other person is a rival or a competitor take advantage of his/her weak point and make that your strong point you will definitely succeed over them. On the other hand, if the other person is family make them understand where they went wrong and help them over come their weakness.

2. Perseverance

Being patient is not enough; you need to be patient consistently. People who are doing something wrong or let me put it this way, some thing that you do not approve (because what is wrong for you might be right for another person) will not be able to learn in one day. So do not loose patience if they repeat the mistake; work on helping them they will change over a period of time.

3. Action and Reaction

It is not necessary to react during fights always. Wait till the high tide calms down. Only then your point will be noted and understood. So if you are expecting a change or a reaction to your lecture do not respond to their action immediately. It is very important in any relationship to keep your calm and talk to the other person when they are in a position to listen and understand what you wish to convey. Chances are you will get what you want this way and you can actually reform them; make them think and not loose their temper next time.

4. Pattern matching

Always look for patterns in fights or heated conversations. There will always be one. Pay attention, find a pattern, do some research on it, and come up with a strategy to change your behavior, the way you respond etc. to reduce the intensity of the next unpleasant conversation. Try to implement that when the next fight or discussion happens. If you spend some time with a person it is easy to predict what they think and do in most of the situations. Keep working on modifying yourselves to be calm during fights and you can easily enhance your relationship.

5. Forgive and forget

Forgiving is a very difficult task, but it does wonders. Let’s say there was no mistake of yours and you are blamed for some thing you did not do. It is obvious to get all furious and think of getting back to them and teach them a lesson so that they don’t repeat what they did. Now, if you shout at them or let them know their mistake in a rude way it won’t work. Instead forgive them and forget that they have been mean to you. Be nice to them. Wait till they calm down and then they will actually realize and learn their mistake. If they don’t the first time then go and talk to them softly when they are in a good mood and let them know your concern. Once you forgive forget what they did; no point in having grudges. Life is short and too precious to loose in hatred and revenge.

How to manage him?

Karyeshu dasi; Karaneshu mantri;
rupecha lakshmi; kshamaya dharitri;
bhojyeshu mata; sayaneshu rambha;
shat dharmayukta kuladharmapatni

This is a Sanskrit sloka from our Hindu mythology which describes the idealization of a woman – A woman makes an ideal wife who serves her husband like a servant, advises him like a minister, is beautiful like goddess lakshmi, has a forgiving nature like earth, serves him food like a mother, and is like Rambha (the apsarasa) in bed.

Some feminists may raise their voice against this but I totally agree and will even go to the extent of saying that this is a good logic to actually manage your husband. As far as the beauty and the other things go, they are highly relative and can be taken in different contests. I prefer taking the meaning in the way it works out for me

When I was 12 years old I came across an interesting poem in a Wisdom magazine. I wrote it down in my diary as I really liked the concept. I used to read it to my mom. Once my grandparents visited us and my grand mother had a fight with my grand father and was not talking to him. She started telling us how he irritates her all the time with his stubborn nature etc.

I gave her a lecture. I think that was the first time I did some remarkable marriage counseling. I told her how she should not fight and make up with him I read this poem to her and told her - it is as simple as following what is written in the poem. The poem was in English so I translated it in Telugu and told her that if she blindly follows what is said in the poem she will never fight with grand pa again

Of course she said that I was only 12 and did not know what it is to live with a stubborn person who gets his way all the time for 60 years. She asked me to save that poem for myself and try to implement it when I get married. Well, I did exactly the same, I did save my diary and I read this poem so many times that the lines were etched in my brain so well that I involuntarily follow everything that is listed. Here is the poem:

When you marry a man, love him
After you marry him, study him
If he is honest, honor him
If he is generous, appreciate him
When he is sad, cheer him
When he is quarrelsome, put up with him
If he is slothful, spur him
If he is noble praise him
If he is confidential, encourage him
If he is secretive, trust him
If he favors society, accompany him
When he does you a favor, thank him
Let him think how well you understand him
But never let him know that you manage him!

If you look at this, you might feel that you are actually doing what he wants and you might have to sacrifice everything and lose your identity in the process. But trust me it is not that bad. Try this and see; you will know that by investing a little you can make a fortune. Just start doing these small things and he will acknowledge all your actions in a great way. It will not be a one man show.

You may ask what if he is not noble, generous etc. Well then support him in what ever he does, how ever he is, accept him for what he is and mould him to what you think he should be. Once again guys this is not a strategy against you but it is a strategy to make any relationship work!
PS: The rules apply for both men and women. This post does not intend that only women have to do everything how ever her man is. I had this piece about woman and I thought it is a nice one and eloborated on it. Men should be equally responsible to make the relationship work.

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