Mental image of a stranger

Do you create an image or determine the personality of a stranger just by talking to them over phone or reading their emails or chatting with them? This is more common now because of the social networking age we are in. We are most likely to make more virtual friends than ever and sometimes who knows they might become your best buddies.

I am a very anti social person. I am not into any of the social networking sites and I am particularly paranoid when it comes to interacting with strangers. I don't take such risks and the people around me do not encourage anything of that sorts.

I have a vivid imagination. This started when I was very young. I used to listen to songs in radio and have my own video of the song in my head. I used to be very disappointed when that song was played on Chitrahhar (TV program) because the director did not do any justice to the lyrics or the context of the song. I am quite sure I will become a very good director if at all I consider movie direction as my profession :)

I am very good at creating mental images. Even when I read novels, I create a whole movie in my head and I am quite confident it would be much better than any movie which is based on that novel :) Now, coming to mental images - how are they made? I was reading an article in some science website, and it says that your mental images are a result of many factors. Your upbringing, surroundings, your attitude etc. So if you and I are interacting with the same person, you might have a completely different mental image than that of mine.

But surprisingly it is not the same if we both see the person physically. Based on their physical appearance we might end up having some common opinions about that person. That is because of the society we live in and some of the misconceptions.

A few years ago I started blogging at a major blogging site and interacted with many bloggers via comments, some became very good friends as we shared some common views on some of the topics discussed etc. I exchanged emails with some of them and had a certain image including their physical appearance:). I personally feel that reading someones work gives you a very good insight into who they are and how they think. Especially if you have written 100's of articles, your true self comes out and it's really hard to hide. That thinking is what gave me courage to make virtual friends through the blogger's world.

I became very close friends with couple of them after reading every single post of the 100's they published. One of them happened to live very close to my house and I met her a few times. Went over to her house for lunch, she came to our house. The mental image I had about her based on her writings and our conversations over phone and chat is almost similar to the the real person. So obviously I thought I am good at this.

The other person I met virtually, a very good friend of mine, proved to be different. I met him in person he turned out to be totally different than my mental image. How strange! It works for some and does not for others? Or was it just fluke that the first person happened to match my mental image but not the second one. How does this work?

Virtual friendship eliminates the guessing element about the other person's personality in the sense that you became friends because of the shared interest to start with, the site where you met. I met my friends on a blogger site, so we both like to write. Narrowing down, we both have similar opinions the way we commented on others posts or the way we commented on each others writings. You might not necessarily like every single thing they wrote about, some categories might be even alien to you, but you don't mind reading about them. 75% of the time you liked their work. That is enough I guess.

We are simply drawn to those people in whose presence we feel comfortable. There are some friends with whom we “just click,” and we recognize early on that our personalities are a good match. And with virtual friends the awkwardness of meeting in person is gone because you are sitting in your pajamas in your own home when you are talking/chatting with them. It is like talking to a family member. You can't take away the comfort zone that you have with a virtual friend.

So if your gut instinct says it is okay to be friends with someone you never met or you don't know much about, I think it is okay. That said, you might be dealing with someone who is completely different than what you have in mind. So we should always be careful but if you are really comfortable with someone be it virtual or real, it is perfectly okay to continue the friendship. It's okay to be happy!

Can you help change someone?

I always used to wonder, can you help change someone? You can say good things, lecture someone of the way of life, how they can fix everything and make their life a rosy path but does it help? Does it have an impact?

I did this all my life. I guess it is my second nature to counsel people and help them to overcome their problems, issues, fears and succeed in what they are doing. I always wanted to become a psychologist. I did read couple of books when I was doing my Master's in Computer Application in India. In fact I decided, if I get a chance to go to US I would pursue a master's in clinical psychology.

12 years later, I am a software engineer by profession. But I did not stop counselling people. Somehow I end up with one or two friends who need help and I end up making them my clients. I help them and I did succeed in helping them understand their issues and getting what they wanted. Some are easy to work with some are a little difficult but I must confess, difficult makes it interesting/challenging.

To be continued....

Observer effect in human (my) behavior!

I have been watching Numb3rs TV show lately. If you are not aware of this show, it shows how Math can be used to solve any crime. How cool is that? Or you can say, how geek are you! Same difference...

Anyways, one of the episodes is titled - "The uncertainty principle". It tries to explain how humans change their  behavior when they are being observed. Well, I did study about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle in college but obviously do not remember the details.

Yesterday I experienced something similar to what they explained in that TV show first hand and thought will jot it down. Did some research and found out that there is a bug in the TV show :)

The explanation of the uncertainty principle in that episode is misleading. It is in fact not the uncertainty principle but the "observer effect". Both are related that's how I came to know the difference. When you search in WIKI about the uncertainty principle it mentions about the observer effect.

Both are aspects of quantum mechanics, but the uncertainty principle states the impossibility to measure the value of some pairs of variables like location and speed of a particle at the same time with absolute certainty, while the observer effect states that observing an object always has an effect on the object.

The later is the one which I want to relate to human behavior.

I started going to Bikram Yoga from last week. I am quite happy I made this choice and I am enjoying the 105 degree Fahrenheit, 45% humidity hot yoga unlike most of the reviewers on Yelp who complained a lot about everything :)

I did learn Yoga before from a very good Guruji in India who became quite a public figure right now. So I was taught well. I knew all the postures they were teaching but had difficulty in doing them to full extent as it had been 2 decades since I last practiced serious Yoga.

I was happy. I went to 3 sessions already and I was improving with every session. Yesterday I went in quite energized with a strong intention to challenge my body a little more. While entering into the Yoga room I saw someone coming out, a very familiar face. At first I thought I knew her from Chinmaya Mission's Om Run. We practiced together and I was quite impressed with her dedication. She signed up for 5k run, decided to do the 10k run during the practice and the next year later she did the half marathon. When I saw her I thought no wonder she was able to do the half marathon, she does Bikram Yoga!

All of a sudden thoughts of me at the finish line for the half marathon crossed my mind and my heart was filled with joy. I am following the exact path as she did and my dream of finishing a marathon by the time I hit 40 seemed so real. Well, I even thought of introducing myself to her after the class and letting her know how she has become my role model in a split second!

I settled down on my mat and eagerly looked at the door to see where she is going to come and sit. She came in and sat in the same row just one mat next to me. Her friend was sitting in between both of us and she started talking to her friend. I looked at her but she did not recognize me. We met a few times during our practice session and used to exchange hello nods and smiles never knew any more details. But then I thought she was looking a bit different this time.

Then it became all clear. She is not the person who I thought she was. Instead, we both did MS together. We both took some 3 -4 classes together and did a project together for a whole semester. She used to come to my place while integrating our work. Last I heard she was working at Google and climbed the success ladder pretty quick.

I sent her emails during my initial job search in 2005 and she conveniently ignored my emails. My husband said may be she does not want to forward your resume as she thinks you are her competition. Whatever!

But her presence in the room changed everything. I am seeing her after almost 8 years. She did not change a bit in how she looked. I changed quite a bit, gained lots of extra pounds. May be I was embarrassed too conscious of my appearance, worried what she is going to say once she recognizes me...

The class started and I started feeling funny in my stomach. I did eat very less the previous night, was not able to sleep well and was starving when I woke up. Once the class progressed I started looking into the mirror before me to see if I can see her, how well she is doing the postures to determine if she is a veteran at this or a beginner like me. My view was blocked. I was constantly checking my posture as I was quite sure she would be watching me too :)

I felt nauseated and dizzy while doing some of the postures. That is quite common with the intensity they make us do the whole thing for 90 mins but then Today felt different.


                                               To be continued...

How to Live Unhappily Ever After?

              One of my friends sent me this article published in The Wall Street Journal by Augusten Burroughs on the upside of being downbeat, and embracing loss and anger

              I do not completely agree with the author's views. You cannot feel great every day. Agreed. There are ups and down in daily life. Agreed. it must be like that to appreciate the beauty of the small things that bring joy to you. If it always feels like you are in a wonderland it gets boring.

              That said, the thing she said about loosing someone you love dearly and the repercussions on your life I will not agree at all to what she said. I have had first hand experience with my dad and saw my mom go through in fact still going through the loss but it is not at all as she described. I did see my other relatives who went through similar things, some get depressed and go into a psychological shock from which it takes years for them to come out but what I noticed is that if you are strong, have a strong mind and strong attitude towards things, accepting life as it comes and try to live the best of what you are given then you sail through difficult times.

              If you want to sulk and say that you lost everything in life it is going to be quite depressing. You feel betrayed because you invested so much in that person and all of a sudden he is gone then it is not right. I agree that we are dependent on so many things and so many ppl in our lives that it feels like we absolutely cannot live without that other person, and the memories we have of them are going to make it impossible to survive but then if we can engage ourselves in some activities to keep us busy that make us happy we can overcome that loss not a 100% but to a greater extent. 

Life goes on no matter what. It is up to you to make it miserable, livable,or happy.

              There are many things you can do to occupy your selves from your mind not thinking about the thing which is bothering you. Write, browse, volunteer, help someone in need, do something or meet someone who can help you talk you out of that spiral thoughts which lead you to hopelessness and depression. There are so many ways you can make yourself feel useful. Never give up as you have so much in you which others do not have. Serve people for your advantage to heal yourself. These days there are tons of ways to do that. 

              I consider myself quite valuable. I can do so much to help so many people. So a loss in my life is not going to stop me from doing that. I will definitely get effected but that won't stop me from living my life. "I" am quite powerful and I won't let anything in my life shatter me into pieces to make me feel worthless and useless and come to a point where I feel there is no point in living. No body can make me feel that way as I have a rock solid will power.God has invested so much in me by giving me such great life so far, I am not going to betray him. I will make myself useful to help those underprivileged who need help. 

I can go on and on but I hope you get the point.

I am reading the book “Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mom”. My idea is to make my mom read this book and then write an article on how she raised us. According to me we grew up fine just not super accomplished but again that is relative. I am happy and surprised at how well she raised us both. It seemed completely effortless and smooth parenting.

I just finished the chapter “Teeth Marks and Bubbles” from the book. It brought tears into my eyes. I took after both my mom & dad. My dad was super strict. Both of them used to teach private tuitions. I never saw my mom yelling at any kid. My dad on the other side used to think that if I teach you a concept you better get it. If not a) you were not listening which makes you totally unworthy to be his student b) you are not intelligent which is even worse because you are not worthy to study math at all. Umm, I did not like his concept. I used to think he was too harsh.

But call it genes or whatever, I teach my son both like my mom and dad. I yell at him during piano practices but not as much. I never make him feel unworthy of anything but then I yell and shout at him when he just gives up without even trying or lowballs himself that he just can’t do it. Somehow I hold him at a very high position. He is a very smart kid. His dad, me and my bro he is supposed to be smart J

I am not bragging but what I mean to say is that he has what it takes to shine in him. And he proved it several times. I was awestruck and inspired at his intelligence. So it really tears me apart when he says he can’t do something.

I performed on stage several times when I was growing up. I come out as a very confident person. In fact I am. I am not scared to raise my voice and express my opinion. I am not scared to be the leader and bring a change in the system. I can preach/counsel/convince people around me and bring a change into their lives.

People who know me will be surprised if I tell them that I get very nervous when I go up on stage. I shake and shiver. I do complete the whole performance and come down but I hate that part about me.

My son is a lot like me when it comes to confidence. In the sense he does not hesitate to say what he thinks. He is the first one to raise his hand in the class room for anything and everything. He is not scared to be a leader, to suggest things etc… He participates in some of our language enrichment cultural activities on our Indian/Telugu New Year. He is very much into all the cultural things. He loves knowing and learning all about our culture and language.

He knows lot of Sanskrit slokas by heart now and can recite them with great diction. He does not have an accent when is saying those though he does not know the language very well. I make sure to explain him the meaning of each and every word and the overall concept of the poems I teach him.

So he recites them on stage in a competition within his age group in our cultural festivals. I teach him while making him sleep; feeding him breakfast etc… he learns them pretty quickly. I don’t have to tell him to practice; he just keeps chanting them whatever he does till he gets them right J I love that about him.

On the day before the event I make sure he gets enough rest, eats well, sleeps early etc. He wakes up in the morning practices just couple of times more and he is all set. I never saw him fret or fear about the performance. You might say he is too young to understand fear of performing on stage but I have seen kids who come on stage and get scared and forget what they have to say.

He goes onto the stage, with poise and confidence; he is an expert in holding/adjusting the mike. He recites the poem loud and clear and comes back.  His dad and I feel so proud. Of course he never won a prize in any contest but we are okay with it. For the effort we put in, that is more than expected from him. This time we thought he was quite good and would win a prize but it is okay.

When I read the book in which Amy says she was never a good performer and that Sophia her daughter was not at all scared and performed with utmost expertise my eyes were filled with tears. I could relate to what she says with my son. I hope and wish he grows up with this fearless confidence.

To be continued...

Telugu Lessons

My son is taking Telugu lessons in Chinmaya Mission. He goes to class every Sunday. I did not get a chance to sit with him and see what he is being taught and make him practice at home. Since there is no official home work I am taking it easy I guess. Today I had some time and he was in super nice kid mood. He blamed me for not teaching him Telugu at home. Obviously I got offended :) and I took out his book.

I saw some Telugu words and English meanings and when he is eating dinner started asking him translations. Here is our conversation:

Me: I will say a word. If I say a Telugu word you must tell me what it means in English and if I say a English word you must give me the Telugu word for it. Got it?
Son: Wow! I love this game. My teacher always plays this game with us :)

(Wow! I am smart :D)

Me: Store
Son: I don't know.
Me: Okay. It is called Angadi (My son wrote this word in the book)

Seriously? Who calls a store Angadi these days? My grand parents never used this word I guess and I am taking their standard because my grand father was a Telugu Pundit. He used to say Dukanam I guess. They really need to update the syllabus. They might have taken the words from pedda balasiksha. They need to teach words used in the current real world so that kids can communicate when they visit India. Hmm. I decided to escalate this issue to the concerned person to get the syllabus changed :-D

Son: Ask me more mom.
Me: Okay okay.Pen.
Son: I don't know
Me: it is called Kalamu.

Son: Then what do you call a pencil amma?
Me: Umm. I don't know it is just called pencil.

Son: How come? When pen is called Kalamu pencil must have some word too. Kids in Hyderabad don't use pencil to write or do light saber fight? (he is too much into star wars these days)
Me: Of course they do.

Son: Then how come they don't know how to say the word which means pencil?
Me: For some words they use English words.

Son: Amma, it would be so funny if in Hyderabad people use English words instead of all Telugu words when they speak right?
I laughed and said: then it would be English not Telugu.
Son: Ya... you are right. Then why do people in Hyderabad need to learn Telugu at all?
Me: Hmm...... Okay we are getting distracted.

(He has been to Hyderabad and my grandparents village. So he thinks Hyderabad is the only place in India where they speak Telugu :)

Son: Oh I know - They should call it - Pencilu with a "u" at the end. In Telugu every word ends with "u". Even Telug(u). Haha.. I discovered something amma. Did you realize that Telugu ends with a U :)))) (giggles)
Me: Great discovery son. Let's move on.

Arrow - Banamu.

He is writing these words in Telugu. I remembered last year when he first learnt to write the letter - na in the word banamu. He said this is how you DRAW the letter ana - you draw the number 6 and another reverse 6 next to it. Then on top of 6 you need to make a letter C and a reverse C on top of the other 6 and remember to join the 2 C's on top. The C's must look like clouds :)

He is enjoying learning Telugu sooooo much. He says Telugu letters are artsy :) Anyways coming back to word translations:

Me: Okay now what is eggplant in Telugu?
Son: Chittakaya.
Me: Do you mean Chikkudi Kaya?
Son: What is Chikkudi kaya?
Me: It is a vegetable - it looks like a pea pod, the one we have in our backyard.
Son: Uh uh! You said a bad word.
Me: What did I say?
Son: You said pee...
Me: No, the word I said is PEA as in Green Peas. Not Pee Pee.
Son: Giggles....Ohhhhh now I get it. (he is just messing with me. He knew what pea pods were)

Since it was the week of Diwali they taught him the word Fire crackers.

Me: What is a Fire Cracker in Telugu?
Son: Chittakaya
Me: What?
Son: Chittakaya.
The way in which he sounded it out was so cute :)

Me: Lol. No think again. Okay let me help you. You used chittakaya once already. How can two different words in English have the same Telugu word?
(I thought I was smart to give this hint :)

Son: Why not? In English HERE and HEAR sound the same. But they mean different things. So when I say chittakaya for both eggplant and fire cracker it sounds the same but when you write it it is different :)

Smart!

Me: Okay, firstly there is no word chittakaya. So think of something else.
Son: I know. I just made it up in my head. I like the sound of this word. So I am going to use it for everything.

WHAT?

Me: That's not going to work. If you want to learn Telugu, you need to take this seriously.
Son: Okay! Okay!
Me: Fire cracker is called Tapakaya.
Son: See chittakaya is close :)
Me: Okay, let's move on.

What is Curry?
Son: Rice
Me: What? You are giving me a English word. Give me Telugu word for Curry.
He says Annam :)
Me: Okay Curry is not Annam. What are you eating now?
Son: Kura Annam.
Me: Yeah, that means?
Son: I don't know. Hmm.
Me: Okay Curry = Kura.
Son: Ohhhhhhhhh now I get it.

Me: Cool!

Me: Bag is Sanchi
Son: Amma, burglars take big "sanchis" with them when they go to rob a house :)

The lesson ends with this. That was enough Telugu for a day :)

Music and Lyrics

I love music and songs with great lyrics. Well, who doesn’t? I was always under an impression that all music lovers pay attention to the lyrics of a song when they listen to it. Little did I know that it is not always the case! Some people like music for its melody alone. They just listen to the song clue less of its meaning.

In fact, they can memorize the whole song but don’t really know what the song is about. This was a shocking revelation to me. No offence, but some tunes are really good if you listen to the instrumental but justice is not done as the lyrics ruin the song. But then melody alone without the right words is incomplete. Don’t you think?

I used to listen to the FM radio when I was young and write down the lyrics of the songs when they were played. I used to write really fast so that I don’t miss a single word of the song. You never know when it's going to be aired again. I then used to learn the song, sometimes adding my own melody to some of the lines enjoying the lyrics every single time I sang.

My mom bought this 400 page notebook with Nehru’s picture on the front cover and India Map at the back cover. That was the first year they introduced such fat note books. I made it my song book. It was so special to me. I filled every page with a song I liked. My brother used to blackmail me saying he would use it to do math rough work in it if I don’t give in to his demands (mostly give a share, sometimes all of the treats/snacks given to me).

It’s amazing how I never get bored of the songs I like. Every single time I sing a nice romantic song I get goose bumps. I feel very patriotic in my heart when I sing a patriotic song and understand life’s meaning all over again when I hear Kishore Kumar’s Zingadi songs in particular! If I haven’t seen the video of the song, I would direct my own little movie in my head :)

In fact, most of the songs I heard them first on radio or tape and got a chance to watch the video much later in life. For most of the songs, I must say, my directed version was much better than how the actual song was made :) yeah, I will make a much better director - some day!

What role do melody and lyrics play in a song anyways? Which one is more important? Can a song touch your heart if it has good lyrics and a lousy tune and vice versa. I don’t think so. You need to have a great tune to even be able to listen to it the very first time and like it to go to the next step of paying attention to the lyrics.

Here is my theory. Melody is like a precursor for the words that are later going to make it a memorable song. With out one the other does not make much sense. You cannot pick one over the other. It is their combination that delights your senses and nourishes your musical appetite.

Melody/tune is like the physical appearance. Love at first hearing can happen if the melody is good. But you really fall in love with the song only when it is paired with great lyrics. Lyrics are the soul of a song. They stick with you forever. You just cannot forget a nice song that has touched your soul.


Coming to the singer he/she adds a whole new dimension to the song with his/her signature nuances which makes it completely their own. Any other singer can sing the same song but it will not be the same. It is like two artists can paint a similar painting but it will never be exactly the same. A little stroke of the paint brush makes a whole lot of difference.

I listen to romantic melodies mostly. When it comes to romantic songs penned well, I think the lyrics seem wonderfully sensitive. They take you down the memory lane and make you relive the moments of the first time you met your spouse/boy friend, or if you would do it all over again how would you propose or go about your relationship.

I had couple of songs which I heard the first time when I was 12 I guess. I just thought, I would sing it for my guy and the best part is I did. It all worked out perfectly well, and I did sing the three top songs I had in mind for him in the same order. The songs had this meaning, which I really wanted to convey, and it was just perfect.

The best part is I had this one very romantic Telugu song – “Yeto vellipoyindi manasu” I always thought would be perfect if any guy sings for his gal. I used to sing it to myself and feel all special dreaming that someone was singing for me.

When we got married, the next day, we were surrounded by all relatives from his side, and they were obviously having fun scrutinizing me J they asked both of us to sing songs for each other. I sang the first song I wanted to sing to him, and he was a little hesitant to sing and nobody forced him, no fair!

And then next day we went out on a long drive and he said he was about to sing the same song (“Yeto vellipoyindi manasu”). My jaw dropped in shock J Though mine was an arranged marriage it felt like some shooting star, some sign telling me, this is the guy you have been waiting for ;-)

There are some songs for me which mean a lot as they are associated with some special people in my life. It’s like one of your friends introduces a song to you and you just love it so much. When ever you hear or sing that song you remember them, every single time. I actually judge people based on their taste in music J I know its mean, but hey who doesn’t!

Long live all the great musicians, lyricists, and singers who make the whole experience of listening to their songs simply divine!