Mid life crisis

A few years ago I came across a person who was going through mid life crisis. I followed his life closely and understood first hand what is is all about. I then thought, I would be careful when it comes to me or my husband as I am a more matured, psychologically evolved being :)

For some reason I always think I am a superior being as I understand life better than others. I guess everybody thinks the same way about themselves, but I live in my own bubble and I think very highly of myself and I am quite proud of that fact.

I read a little about what mid life crisis is all about. Here is what I found: "A midlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle aged individuals."

The story of this guy who went through mid life crisis. He is a business man who is quite rich and successful. Well educated, very well settled, quite happy with this life. He is quite funny, retired quite early, and followed his passions. He started out to be a civil engineer, studied abroad, worked for 5years in US, went back home, got an idea in the field of construction, patented his idea and made money in the construction business. Retired before 40 and started acting in theater and writing pursuing his passions. Took acting lessons from LA living in India, being a christian played Indian mythological roles. Quite unique person indeed.

Later, I found out that his wife has Alzheimer's. He has a 13 year old son whom he takes care of completely, raises mostly by himself. He tries his best to find treatments for his wife. When asked, if he loves her so much, he said, "it was not love but sympathy towards her that made him stick to her. She has no where to go, what will she do if I leave her?" He says he has no future with her what so ever and has no hope that she will get any better but still he is married to her and is performing all his duties as a responsible husband. A one of a kind guy indeed!

He wrote about his mid life crisis. He bought a bike, joined a bike gang of four and drove around for sometime. He joined theater since he enjoys acting. He labelled all his actions as mid life crisis.

I, for some reason, never bought into the mid-life crisis concept. Now that I am going through my life (not quite there yet) but looking at my friends' lives who are in their 40-50s this is my understanding. Not all people go through mid life crisis. People who are successful, had a great career path, climbing up the success ladder, they will not complain about mid life crisis I think since they were so busy working towards their success and enjoying a rewarding career and family. Everything falls into place for them (of course because they are smart and work hard having a great perspective towards life)

On the other hand life sure gets super hectic during mid-life. You have your kids growing up, their teenage dramas to deal with, your parents aging, taking care of their health concerns, feeling even more stressed out mostly because of guilt, if you are away from them and cannot take care of them. And God forbid if you lose one of your parents it will multiply the stress 10 fold if not more. So what I see is most of it is stress built up because of multiple crises. Mid-life is the most stressful life I guess, again it depends on each person, because you are trying to juggle so many things, and even though you want to, you are not able to do a good job.

We all start our lives (I mean once we get a job and become independent) with an idea that we are going to lead our life a certain way. We will not make the same mistakes our parents, our older siblings, extended family, or friends did. We plan our future in a certain way. The mistake we do in planning is we consider each episode/responsibility/event separately.

We assume lot of things in a positive way like: my job, this is what I am going to do. This is my plan on my higher studies to support my career, training required etc etc. To be a successful parent, I am going to do all this, we will have a mental checklist which we keep updating looking at all the successful people around. This is how I am going to handle my teenage kids (even before you have any kids, judging the parents around you with teenage kids :). This is how I am going to take care of parents (in an ideal world). Once I save enough money, I am going to buy a bike, race car etc which was always my dream since I was 10.

Wishful thinking! The problem is life happens in parallel not in sequence. By the time you get a job and you are barely settled, you get married. Most of the Indians do at least . So now we are already looking at a wrinkle in the financial planning. Your higher studies get collided with having a baby and added responsibility. You are a brand new parent with no clue, even though you were very quick at passing judgements on every single parent we met. Do a Masters in the subject of your interest while raising a new born. Now that is fun! You don't get promoted because you did not work 17+ hours like your colleague who does not have kids or has lot of domestic help which gives him time to focus on his work. You are obviously depressed. You will think, let the kid be 3yrs old and potty trained then I will focus entirely on work. Then comes the second one. Sibling rivalry to deal with, so on and so forth. You get the idea.

Now all this is to a guy not a girl. I don't think many women have mid life crisis because they are smart :) They understand life and are practical in having unrealistic expectations from life. Because when the poor guy is going through all this and sometimes has the luxury to leave everything at least while he is away at work not thinking about what's going on in the house, a girl cannot afford that luxury. And when it is a working mom, those are the best. They need to be on steroids all day, all their life, until kids grow up to manage the day to day things that come up.  Even statistics prove mid life crisis last about 3-10 years in men and 2-5 years in women and that approximately 10& of individuals go through this phase. 

So what is the most commonly misnamed mid life crisis all about? According to me, it is not mid life crisis it is lack of planning, not taking all variables into account, assuming life happens sequentially, not in parallel. I think learning how to juggle might give some perspective on life, I am not kidding. If you don't want so much stress in your life, line up your priorities, don't try to excel at every single thing you do, give up certain things, no need to enroll your kids into a zillion classes etc etc.

Instead if you think you want to do everything, here is an idea. There is something called a wildly important goal (WIG) some corporations implement. Every week you mark one thing in your never ending list as wildly important. Mark it as a WIG that means you have to accomplish it no matter what. It is okay to slack on others but you will have to accomplish this one task. Focusing on one wildly important goal is like punching one finger through a sheet of paper - all your strength goes into making that hole. That way you distribute your work/responsibility load and can accomplish lot more than you think you can.

Now this is all for a normal person who has a great life without any hiccups, career advancement, kids growing up, parents getting old, childhood dreams of having a race car, motor bike, sky diving, not getting fulfilled, this is all normal. If you have a deep sense of regret that you did not accomplish anything in life, stop whining about it, and start somewhere. It is never too late.

Coming back to the guy we were talking about, his life is different. These people are outliers. They don't fall under the same category as normal people. When normal people get sucked up into day to day lives and complain they should pause and take a look at these people. They lead a different life. We need to learn from them, that if they are able to handle their lives in a sane manner then we have no right to complain.

Can you help change someone?

I always used to wonder, can you help change someone? You can say good things, lecture someone of the way of life, how they can fix everything and make their life a rosy path but does it help? Does it have an impact?

I did this all my life. I guess it is my second nature to counsel people and help them to overcome their problems, issues, fears and succeed in what they are doing. I always wanted to become a psychologist. I did read couple of books when I was doing my Master's in Computer Application in India. In fact I decided, if I get a chance to go to US I would pursue a master's in clinical psychology.

12 years later, I am a software engineer by profession. But I did not stop counselling people. Somehow I end up with one or two friends who need help and I end up making them my clients. I help them and I did succeed in helping them understand their issues and getting what they wanted. Some are easy to work with some are a little difficult but I must confess, difficult makes it interesting/challenging.

To be continued....

Observer effect in human (my) behavior!

I have been watching Numb3rs TV show lately. If you are not aware of this show, it shows how Math can be used to solve any crime. How cool is that? Or you can say, how geek are you! Same difference...

Anyways, one of the episodes is titled - "The uncertainty principle". It tries to explain how humans change their  behavior when they are being observed. Well, I did study about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle in college but obviously do not remember the details.

Yesterday I experienced something similar to what they explained in that TV show first hand and thought will jot it down. Did some research and found out that there is a bug in the TV show :)

The explanation of the uncertainty principle in that episode is misleading. It is in fact not the uncertainty principle but the "observer effect". Both are related that's how I came to know the difference. When you search in WIKI about the uncertainty principle it mentions about the observer effect.

Both are aspects of quantum mechanics, but the uncertainty principle states the impossibility to measure the value of some pairs of variables like location and speed of a particle at the same time with absolute certainty, while the observer effect states that observing an object always has an effect on the object.

The later is the one which I want to relate to human behavior.

I started going to Bikram Yoga from last week. I am quite happy I made this choice and I am enjoying the 105 degree Fahrenheit, 45% humidity hot yoga unlike most of the reviewers on Yelp who complained a lot about everything :)

I did learn Yoga before from a very good Guruji in India who became quite a public figure right now. So I was taught well. I knew all the postures they were teaching but had difficulty in doing them to full extent as it had been 2 decades since I last practiced serious Yoga.

I was happy. I went to 3 sessions already and I was improving with every session. Yesterday I went in quite energized with a strong intention to challenge my body a little more. While entering into the Yoga room I saw someone coming out, a very familiar face. At first I thought I knew her from Chinmaya Mission's Om Run. We practiced together and I was quite impressed with her dedication. She signed up for 5k run, decided to do the 10k run during the practice and the next year later she did the half marathon. When I saw her I thought no wonder she was able to do the half marathon, she does Bikram Yoga!

All of a sudden thoughts of me at the finish line for the half marathon crossed my mind and my heart was filled with joy. I am following the exact path as she did and my dream of finishing a marathon by the time I hit 40 seemed so real. Well, I even thought of introducing myself to her after the class and letting her know how she has become my role model in a split second!

I settled down on my mat and eagerly looked at the door to see where she is going to come and sit. She came in and sat in the same row just one mat next to me. Her friend was sitting in between both of us and she started talking to her friend. I looked at her but she did not recognize me. We met a few times during our practice session and used to exchange hello nods and smiles never knew any more details. But then I thought she was looking a bit different this time.

Then it became all clear. She is not the person who I thought she was. Instead, we both did MS together. We both took some 3 -4 classes together and did a project together for a whole semester. She used to come to my place while integrating our work. Last I heard she was working at Google and climbed the success ladder pretty quick.

I sent her emails during my initial job search in 2005 and she conveniently ignored my emails. My husband said may be she does not want to forward your resume as she thinks you are her competition. Whatever!

But her presence in the room changed everything. I am seeing her after almost 8 years. She did not change a bit in how she looked. I changed quite a bit, gained lots of extra pounds. May be I was embarrassed too conscious of my appearance, worried what she is going to say once she recognizes me...

The class started and I started feeling funny in my stomach. I did eat very less the previous night, was not able to sleep well and was starving when I woke up. Once the class progressed I started looking into the mirror before me to see if I can see her, how well she is doing the postures to determine if she is a veteran at this or a beginner like me. My view was blocked. I was constantly checking my posture as I was quite sure she would be watching me too :)

I felt nauseated and dizzy while doing some of the postures. That is quite common with the intensity they make us do the whole thing for 90 mins but then Today felt different.


                                               To be continued...

How to Live Unhappily Ever After?

              One of my friends sent me this article published in The Wall Street Journal by Augusten Burroughs on the upside of being downbeat, and embracing loss and anger

              I do not completely agree with the author's views. You cannot feel great every day. Agreed. There are ups and down in daily life. Agreed. it must be like that to appreciate the beauty of the small things that bring joy to you. If it always feels like you are in a wonderland it gets boring.

              That said, the thing she said about loosing someone you love dearly and the repercussions on your life I will not agree at all to what she said. I have had first hand experience with my dad and saw my mom go through in fact still going through the loss but it is not at all as she described. I did see my other relatives who went through similar things, some get depressed and go into a psychological shock from which it takes years for them to come out but what I noticed is that if you are strong, have a strong mind and strong attitude towards things, accepting life as it comes and try to live the best of what you are given then you sail through difficult times.

              If you want to sulk and say that you lost everything in life it is going to be quite depressing. You feel betrayed because you invested so much in that person and all of a sudden he is gone then it is not right. I agree that we are dependent on so many things and so many ppl in our lives that it feels like we absolutely cannot live without that other person, and the memories we have of them are going to make it impossible to survive but then if we can engage ourselves in some activities to keep us busy that make us happy we can overcome that loss not a 100% but to a greater extent. 

Life goes on no matter what. It is up to you to make it miserable, livable,or happy.

              There are many things you can do to occupy your selves from your mind not thinking about the thing which is bothering you. Write, browse, volunteer, help someone in need, do something or meet someone who can help you talk you out of that spiral thoughts which lead you to hopelessness and depression. There are so many ways you can make yourself feel useful. Never give up as you have so much in you which others do not have. Serve people for your advantage to heal yourself. These days there are tons of ways to do that. 

              I consider myself quite valuable. I can do so much to help so many people. So a loss in my life is not going to stop me from doing that. I will definitely get effected but that won't stop me from living my life. "I" am quite powerful and I won't let anything in my life shatter me into pieces to make me feel worthless and useless and come to a point where I feel there is no point in living. No body can make me feel that way as I have a rock solid will power.God has invested so much in me by giving me such great life so far, I am not going to betray him. I will make myself useful to help those underprivileged who need help. 

I can go on and on but I hope you get the point.

Music and Lyrics

I love music and songs with great lyrics. Well, who doesn’t? I was always under an impression that all music lovers pay attention to the lyrics of a song when they listen to it. Little did I know that it is not always the case! Some people like music for its melody alone. They just listen to the song clue less of its meaning.

In fact, they can memorize the whole song but don’t really know what the song is about. This was a shocking revelation to me. No offence, but some tunes are really good if you listen to the instrumental but justice is not done as the lyrics ruin the song. But then melody alone without the right words is incomplete. Don’t you think?

I used to listen to the FM radio when I was young and write down the lyrics of the songs when they were played. I used to write really fast so that I don’t miss a single word of the song. You never know when it's going to be aired again. I then used to learn the song, sometimes adding my own melody to some of the lines enjoying the lyrics every single time I sang.

My mom bought this 400 page notebook with Nehru’s picture on the front cover and India Map at the back cover. That was the first year they introduced such fat note books. I made it my song book. It was so special to me. I filled every page with a song I liked. My brother used to blackmail me saying he would use it to do math rough work in it if I don’t give in to his demands (mostly give a share, sometimes all of the treats/snacks given to me).

It’s amazing how I never get bored of the songs I like. Every single time I sing a nice romantic song I get goose bumps. I feel very patriotic in my heart when I sing a patriotic song and understand life’s meaning all over again when I hear Kishore Kumar’s Zingadi songs in particular! If I haven’t seen the video of the song, I would direct my own little movie in my head :)

In fact, most of the songs I heard them first on radio or tape and got a chance to watch the video much later in life. For most of the songs, I must say, my directed version was much better than how the actual song was made :) yeah, I will make a much better director - some day!

What role do melody and lyrics play in a song anyways? Which one is more important? Can a song touch your heart if it has good lyrics and a lousy tune and vice versa. I don’t think so. You need to have a great tune to even be able to listen to it the very first time and like it to go to the next step of paying attention to the lyrics.

Here is my theory. Melody is like a precursor for the words that are later going to make it a memorable song. With out one the other does not make much sense. You cannot pick one over the other. It is their combination that delights your senses and nourishes your musical appetite.

Melody/tune is like the physical appearance. Love at first hearing can happen if the melody is good. But you really fall in love with the song only when it is paired with great lyrics. Lyrics are the soul of a song. They stick with you forever. You just cannot forget a nice song that has touched your soul.


Coming to the singer he/she adds a whole new dimension to the song with his/her signature nuances which makes it completely their own. Any other singer can sing the same song but it will not be the same. It is like two artists can paint a similar painting but it will never be exactly the same. A little stroke of the paint brush makes a whole lot of difference.

I listen to romantic melodies mostly. When it comes to romantic songs penned well, I think the lyrics seem wonderfully sensitive. They take you down the memory lane and make you relive the moments of the first time you met your spouse/boy friend, or if you would do it all over again how would you propose or go about your relationship.

I had couple of songs which I heard the first time when I was 12 I guess. I just thought, I would sing it for my guy and the best part is I did. It all worked out perfectly well, and I did sing the three top songs I had in mind for him in the same order. The songs had this meaning, which I really wanted to convey, and it was just perfect.

The best part is I had this one very romantic Telugu song – “Yeto vellipoyindi manasu” I always thought would be perfect if any guy sings for his gal. I used to sing it to myself and feel all special dreaming that someone was singing for me.

When we got married, the next day, we were surrounded by all relatives from his side, and they were obviously having fun scrutinizing me J they asked both of us to sing songs for each other. I sang the first song I wanted to sing to him, and he was a little hesitant to sing and nobody forced him, no fair!

And then next day we went out on a long drive and he said he was about to sing the same song (“Yeto vellipoyindi manasu”). My jaw dropped in shock J Though mine was an arranged marriage it felt like some shooting star, some sign telling me, this is the guy you have been waiting for ;-)

There are some songs for me which mean a lot as they are associated with some special people in my life. It’s like one of your friends introduces a song to you and you just love it so much. When ever you hear or sing that song you remember them, every single time. I actually judge people based on their taste in music J I know its mean, but hey who doesn’t!

Long live all the great musicians, lyricists, and singers who make the whole experience of listening to their songs simply divine!

The real motivators

These days I have a new friend. In fact an acquaintance before who is gradually becoming a great friend with all the similarities she finds with her in me, reading my posts and of course least to mention my frequent visits to their house these days:) She praises me a lot with her heart felt words appreciating how well I write, how creative I am, how much she identifies with me etc. Praise is always good right? Not quite.

Actually many are amply capable of appreciating another person's accomplishments. But it makes a lot of difference in striking the right chord, in converting the words into a genuine praise than a mere flattery. It feels really good when people say it from the heart. Its almost like, you forgot what you can really do and then you rediscover again how talented or gifted you are. At least there is one person who thinks you are good makes it a big deal. 

I just got off the phone with her. She read my blog and she quoted certain posts which really moved her. Felt really nice that someone could connect to my writing in that way. I usually get demotivated and question my skills if I take a break for a long time from what I do. Be it my professional work, or my hobbies. I went through a few of my posts and it felt nice. It made me feel - Wow! Did I really write all these. Not bad for a hobby.

I was thinking, I have been writing from 2007 on and off, and when ever I took a break, it was a new friend who triggered my spirits and increased my appetite for writing. I always came up with great posts when ever I met someone who really instilled that sense of confidence and self esteem in me all over again.

This one is for all the real motivators, among my friends, who made me a better writer. You know who you are, I won't mention your names. I guess the greatest motivational act any person could do to me is to understand where I am coming from, delve into my world and see that what I write really makes some sense.

I feel that every person is unique. But then some people share a certain wavelength that matches their thought process and thats where the spark comes and makes the relationship special. I am grateful to all my special friends who got the best out of me, you are my real motivators!

PS: ramblings, nothing specific!

Random things about me

Recently one of my friends tagged me in Facebook asking me to write 10 random things about me. I thought a little bit and was about to write them but then I did not like to broadcast. But it was at the back of my mind ever since. It has been over a month now I guess and I want to write.

Now you may ask, how this is not broadcasting :) If I post this at Sulekha, it would be I guess. People come here once in a while and its okay if the people that really mean something to me, know a little bit more about me, or if they read and think - Oh! I knew this about her :)

I have not thought about these before. I am going to write 10 things about me, whatever comes to my mind in the next few minutes and I am not going to edit them. Also, I think that it is purely based on the state of mind at a given moment. If I write the same post some other time, the 10 things would change. As of now, I am not in a very pleasant mood :)

Here are the 10 things:

1. I am not good when I have to do something in a specific amount of time. I perform really bad when I am timed. I play lot of word games. I improve consistently when I play a game with out a timer. If you give me a puzzle or a problem and stand before me, I might not do so well, but put it on paper, I will crack it in no time. Not sure why I have this problem, but I would like to overcome that.

2. I am too conscious of my weight. Sometimes, in fact most of the times it really effects my day.

3. I am not very serious about my job. I can do much better, but somehow I don't think I work to my full potential. I get distracted easily.

4. I cannot stick to one thing for long time. I am convinced I have commitment issues. My husband denies the fact saying that I am still married to him ;-)

5. I am good at singing. I want to learn music some day and sing before a large crowd.

6. I am good at puzzles. I want to learn how to solve Rubik's cube this month!

7. I am quite brave. I don't give in easily and I am real good at managing crisis situations.

8. I eat junk food ONLY when I am nervous, stressed out, depressed, sad.

9. I love Cappuccino Chocolate Crunch ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery. I ate it only once though :)

10. I am scared to dress well and look good. I feel guilty when I spend time in self grooming. I was raised with a philosophy that self grooming is a sin and waste of time. Looks like it has been imprinted in my brain so bad, how much ever I try, I cannot erase it.

I want to try this exercise later some day when I am really happy and see what I come up with.

What if we can erase the memory of an incident or a person?

Well, I watch a lot of movies. This time it is about “Emotional Sunshine of the spotless mind”. In this a man and a woman who have been dating for two years try go to a facility which claims to erase the memory of a person completely. Is it really possible? I did some research and found out that it truly is. They did some experiments on rats by blocking certain part of the brain and it worked.

But is the memory of a person or an incident locked in a certain location of the brain? I don’t think it is as simple as computer’s memory where you allocate a chunk of it for an object, like a place or a person, and delete that part when you do not think it is necessary. What is subconscious? Does it get affected when we erase something from our brain?

As for me, I don’t think I would like to erase anyone from my life. All memories have a purpose. In trying to forget someone completely you loose all the good memories you had with them too. Love and emotions associated with memories are very precious. You learn something when you fail in a relationship. I think you will tend to repeat the mistake if you erase that part from your life.

Even if memories are erased the same people may still connect if they come across each other because it is something in that person that attracted you to him/her. That comes from within. You cannot stop it. So if you see the person again you will like that person and may go through the same relationship (may be an emotionally draining one) because you do not have any past memories to learn from your mistakes.

Our behavior towards things will not change because that is our identity. So what is the point of erasing someone? If you are not able to forget them then they are special, not to be forgotten easily. May be we are passing through a phase which will pass after sometime and make us forget them naturally. Why should we try for external means to forget a person who touched our soul in a very special way?

No expectations or reservations

I come across a wide variety of problems and issues people face, makes me wonder time and again is it really possible to live a life without any expectations or reservations?

What is it that we expect from people? Family, friends, neighbors, colleagues -Every person we encounter daily is but human and right in their own way.Why do we want them to fit perfectly into our definitions of right and wrong?

Why can’t we appreciate what we have in life and move on accepting people for what they are, how they are, and lead our lives in a sane manner? Why should it be so hard to accept someone for what they are? Why do we want them to do what we want them to do?

Who are we to judge people? Why do we think that our way is the right way to do things? Why can’t we place ourselves in their shoes and think why they are the way they are? May be there is a very strong reason for their behavior.

Why do we crave for universal acceptance? You think you are a great human doing everything right in life. Who defined what is right and wrong? It is people like us. I wonder what the context was when they defined the rules of society, and responsibilities of each role.

Why should it bother you if the definition of righteousness is not the same as the other person’s and they do not approve what you say or do and do not like you for what you are?

You do not like them for something. Don’t you think they don’t like you for their own reasons? What if they do not follow the widely acclaimed path? What if they want to live life their own way?

Why should I get affected so much when you do not like me, talk to me, comment my behavior which I think is nothing but perfect. What is in your mind? Do you understand me the way you are supposed to?

How much do you know about me? Do you even understand me the way I want you to? Did I ever give you the rules and definitions book which says all this? May be we should talk. May be I should ask you, why you do the things you do to me, that irritate me so much.

I don’t want to hate you. I don’t want to dislike you. I do judge you though based on your actions. Everything about them says that you are wrong. You are not being meaningful. You are not being good to me. I am sympathized for what I am going through.

But I want to know what you are going through. What is it that makes you behave this way to me? What is going on between us? Don’t you think we should talk? Please give me a chance to accept you unconditionally. Aren’t relationships all about compromise? Let’s talk. Let’s come to an understanding to resolve this crisis situation.

Do I even fit your requirement? What is it that I am doing wrong? Talk to me! Let’s both take a few steps forward to patch the distance between us.

I want to accept you for what you are without any expectations or reservations. I know it is very difficult but I want to try. I might be successful a little bit. It doesn’t matter. I will slowly and steadily master this art of accepting to make my life more peaceful.

PS: I started with something in mind, got carried away and ended up with something different :) Ramblings of a confused mind - I guess...

Adolescent psychology

Coming soon!

I owe you something

I always wondered how some people randomly happen in our lives and we do not have any say in it. If you rewind your life’s DVD a little and see how on earth this particular person came into your life – it might sound as a strange coincidence, fate, or destiny. May be it is God’s act of uniting people who had something to do with each other in the first place, who were compatible in someway.

I am talking about those few who happen to come into your life and make an unforgettable impact, be it good or bad. Some happen at the right time as if they came to rescue you from something, help you pass through a phase, enlighten you of something while some shatter your life, take the peace out of the otherwise perfectly joyful life etc.

Well whoever they are however they are they happen for a reason. A few such people happened in my life too and I am glad they all happened at the right time at the right place and I did not have any bad experiences with them.

I always try to analyze things beyond reason. Of course I did think why certain people came into my life and made such an impact. If I think about, it is not so like me to make friends with those people. After all the analysis and research here are my observations, couple of theories, and conclusions.

I am a Software Engineer by profession and here is my first theory on how and why a random person comes into your life.

Theory1: Assume your life is like a project and God is the Manager. (If you don’t believe in God assume it to be some super natural power in charge). You and this new person happen to be in the same organization. The Manager paired you up with him/her to work together because he thought you both were compatible in someway and can accomplish something together.

Sometimes, things don’t work out as hoped for. For all you know this can be an experiment. The Manager sees that things are not working out as planned and he will decide to end the relationship. That’s how relationships end. At times, even though you get along really well and are excellent together, still the relationship ends.

Reason might be that the Manager thought, this guy/girl is so good we can use their skill set in another project. So let me put this resource to good use somewhere else to change somebody else’s life. That’s another way how your relationship with that person which is going perfectly might end as God has different plans for him/her. Sometimes it can be death which takes away your dear ones from you. They were taken away to help someone somewhere.

I just finished watching a movie “Chances Are”. It is a comedy movie about reincarnation but couple of lines from this movie caught my attention:

We all are connected in one way or other. We keep meeting souls we’re attached to for better or for worse life after life. Some times I wonder why I worry about past lives at all. I am having so much trouble with this one.

Interesting isn’t it? Well, I am a strong believer that you came into my life because we both are connected in someway or the other. I had many instances in my life which made my belief stronger with each experience.

Sometimes some people seem really weird. In spite of that you cannot help but get close to them. Well, your friends around you might think, what is wrong with her? Why is she a friend with such a weird person? It is not so like her.

But weirdness is not a crime. You see there is something in that person that makes them special to you for some peculiar inexplicable reason. I believe that people are generally good. Nobody is perfect and everybody has 50% positives and 50% negatives in them. If you encounter the positives in that person you get close. Not necessary that everybody sees the same thing in that person.

Theory 2: Assume a person is like a multi layered cake. It looks great from the outside. Just fabulous! You can’t wait to taste it. Let us assume it is a Raspberry chocolate walnut cream cheese cakeJ. Well, I don’t know how it tastes but I am not a big fan of raspberry, cream cheese or walnut. Except chocolate I don’t like any other ingredient in that cake.

If you take a vertical slice the cake might taste real bad as a whole or maybe tastes just okay but not that great. That is taking the person as a whole and trying to judge him/her. If you tried to eat just one layer – say raspberry or the cream cheese which you hate, that means you got in touch with the real bad flavor in that person which made you think he/she is a loser.

What if there is one chocolate layer somewhere in between. You see that, don’t bother about other layers and carefully took a slice of just the chocolaty part. It tastes divine and you are just happy to have eaten another slice of the best thing you like. You tried to even attempt to eat that cake because there is chocolate in it. May be only that layer caught your attention.

This is what I am talking about. Since you are concerned only about the chocolate part of it, you don’t care how the rest of the cake looks or tastes. Of course you will not order that cake for your own partyJ (not fall in love with that person or commit for anything major in life) but you don’t mind eating the chocolate layer when you happen to see that cake somewhere else.

One of my friends once said:

We do not get along with everyone. Nobody is perfect really. If they were it would get boring. It’s just that some are easier to get along with than others or maybe some like you more than others. Either way it works.

Quite true! There is much more to a person than the appearance. Remember, appearances are always deceptive. You cannot judge people by looking at them or knowing a few things about them. What ever negative things you heard about them may be circumstantial, not supposed to happen that way but just happened.

I usually don’t judge people. (At least I think I don’t) at the same time, it does not bother me much when I get to know something negative (according to me of course) about them. Even if it does, I do a What-If analysis placing myself in their shoes to understand from their point of view. Life becomes easier, less complicated this way. Your hatred levels go down real quick!

Theory 3: According to our epics/mythology/culture/the concept of rebirth what ever it is, the belief is that life is like a business. All the people in our life are the those we deal with. If I owe you something, as if to complete the transaction, you come into my life in the form of a relationship (obviously you want your money or what ever I owe you back don’t you!) and vice versa. Once the debt is cleared you leave me.

There is a Sanskrit sloka that supports the above theory. I am not sure of the origin of this sloka (which Upanishad, Veda, or epic it comes from) but it has a beautiful meaning about relationships:

Runanu bandha rupena pasu patni sutalaya,

Runa kshaya khsayeyanthi katatra parivedana

It is debt that I owe you or you owe me that comes into our lives in the form of relationships – wife, kids, pets or any other form. Once the debt is cleared the relationship ends. There is nothing to worry that it has ended.

If you noticed the "wife" part, this sloka is for a man! All our ancient scriptures are addressing man. But this can be equally extended, applied for a woman too ;-)

The concept sounds quite simple. Even if you do not believe in this philosophy, there should be some cosmic power which makes all this happen. I try to figure out why certain people came into my life started creating ripples, so many ripples that they formed into powerful waves disturbing my mental balance. Now, I give up. I don’t want to know why. Trying to figure out these kinds of things is way too complex.

Recently one of my friends said something which made me write this post in the first place. I think I am going to give up fighting with my inner voice or what ever that is which keeps on arguing with me about my special friends :-)

Why and how this happens? One can put down to simply 'the act of God'. And why do I even want to analyze the 'why' and not just be thankful?

Conclusions: As long as you are happy in a relationship that’s the only thing that should matter. In case of friendships between opposite sex it is wise to take everything into consideration when taking the friendship to another level and commit to a life long relationship.

I guess I am indebted to all those special people in my life that came and went away. Some are still there who say hello once in a while. But no matter how far we are, how rarely or often we talk or see each other, the strength of the relationship did not change and hopefully will not. I am glad you all came into my life and made me a better person.

Am I really a Scorpio?

A Sulekha blogger read couple of my posts and asked me about my Zodiac Sign. Her guess was a Cancer or a Pisces. She said that her guess was based on my writings - in particular from “What I leant from a chameleon?”

"I guess I learnt from the chameleon to match my wavelength with the people I interact with to make them comfortable in my presence."

Well, I am neither of them. I am a Scorpio. Shocked, surprised??? Don’t worry you are not the first. I get that a lot. Firstly let me confess that though I did read Linda Goodman’s Star Signs: the secret codes of the universe when I was in high school, I am not very good at analyzing people with their writings, attitude or for that matter even after I know them for quite a while. I am just not good at that. So I am not sure where she is coming from :-)

That said, when ever I say that I am a Scorpio, my friends’ have hard time relating me to the qualities of the sign. Actually after reading the zodiac sign’s not so good qualities I don’t believe myself. I keep telling everyone that may be I have all the good qualities of a Scorpio usually listed in the books and not the bad ones ;-)

Coming to the relationships, I did read different books on which signs are compatible etc when I was in college. Well, I am not sure of the correctness of those as I married a Leo that is considered a very incompatible relationship (A Leo man and a Scorpio woman). But guess what, our marriage was arranged after matching our horoscopes by some great astrologers. They said that according to the Vedic astrology our match is a “Sama Saptakam” making us natural friends. My dad said we will not have many fights and will get along very well. That is true to the core.

So I wonder how true are these Zodiac signs, the qualities we possess, compatibilities with other signs. I am not sure if I am really a Scorpio or give a different impression with my writings or my attitude. Keep guessing I don’t care what Zodiac sign I resemble or portray as I know what I am and I am very happy about it. Given a chance I would like to be myself nothing less or nothing more!

Originally posted at Sulekha

What if she does not deserve my love and affection?

These days there are several guys who want to get married but are not able to find the girl of their dreams. I am talking about Indian guys. I have come across several guys who say that they have been browsing several matrimonial sites themselves while their family and extended family untiringly search for the appropriate girl for this boy. The process is taking a few years for some. The guys do not like most of the girls. One of my friends when asked what he wants in a girl he said it is enough if the girl is not evil or wicked. I was shocked to hear that.

Another friend of mine has been searching for a girl to marry from more than a year. He is very disappointed with every girl he meets. What is going wrong here? Is it really true that today’s girls are so bad? Why is it that the demand and supply are not in sync? How come so many girls are not matching the requirements of the guys and vice versa? I heard that if the guy finally likes the girl she rejects him for reasons like he is not an NRI, is not a software professional, does not earn enough etc. Are they trying to find a life partner to lead a happy peaceful life or some thing else?

My friend here says that he has seen couple of his friends who are fulfilling the role of a wife, mother, daughter in law, sister in law etc perfectly. He is trying to search for a girl who is like that. He is not able to find a girl who matches his wish list. But how can he? I mean how does he know if the girl can fit all those roles by talking to her for a few days? I am positive she can and will fulfill the different roles if you cooperate with her. Marriage is never a one man army. It is a game played by two as partners and they have to match their ideas and views to get on well. It is a relationship you develop while living together not some thing to be found ready made.

He asks me what if she does not deserve my love and affection. That is a very wrong thing to say. When you love some one you should do so without being selfish. Give her your love with out expecting anything in return and you will be surprised to see what she has to offer. If you ask me, nobody is evil or bad by nature. People around them, circumstances and some situations make them behave that way. As long as you are a loving and caring person the other person will be the same with you. There is a saying:

Ask not go on giving, waves of happiness will come forward to wet your feet. You need not move forward to reach them.

It is so true. If you don’t have any expectations you will appreciate what you have in life. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying don’t be ambitious. I mean to say that with a huge wish list in your hand no single girl is going to fit your dream girl role and you will be disappointed later for not finding the right girl. Be reasonable and accept the fact that you are not a perfect guy either. I am really surprised to hear from some people their wish lists. I just cannot see how a girl who matches that list will agree to marry this guy as he will never match her list.

I dont hate men!

I do not hate men. I cannot think of even some fun things. I am not so funny you know when it comes to things like this.Yes, you heard me right. I do not hate men. I personally think I have been extremely lucky as I hardly had any bad experiences with guys as a kid; as I was growing up, in college, at work, or after getting married.

My brother, father, my class mates, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law, and now my son; well for that matter any guy I have interacted with has been quite decent to me and are very good men. I read some of the posts on this topic and I am aware of the things they have mentioned in there. I do know of some men whom I heard are mean to their wives, physically abuse them etc but I personally have not met them or interacted with them in any way. So I cannot talk about them.

For me, hate is a very strong word. I do not hate anybody. I do have some minor arguments with my husband at times but I am not perfect either. I always do what if analysis before reacting to any situation. If we calm down and try to think through there is always a problem on both sides when ever there is an issue. In any relationship the problem is never with one person.

We definitely cannot talk about strangers but with our own people, our family, we can change them if we are not comfortable with how they are or how they behave. For any change it is an agreement, a trade we should be willing to make. I give you some thing and you give me some thing in return. Let me compromise on certain things which are not very important to gain some which will make a difference.

Coming to men who are strangers who can affect me, I ignore them. I don’t give them a chance to scare me, threaten me, and take advantage of me. I stay away from them and such things. If you are careful enough you can avoid a lot of things. I studied in Co-education schools and travelled in buses. I had couple of unpleasant experiences, very minimal but I taught them a lesson soon.

In my opionion all women in one of way or another need a man’s help. It is vice versa too. We cannot exist with out each other so better come to terms and live a peaceful life. I am positive that if you ask a man he can come up with more reasons to hate women than we do. What is the point?

I thought I could do better than my mom!

Back in the day when I was growing up I used to pay close attention to what she did and used to think if I were her I wouldn’t have done that. OK I should confess before saying anything that she is the best. She is just great. But I was not this smart to understand laws of nature when I was a kid. She used to restrict me from doing certain things saying:

“Remember you are a girl. Behave like one.”

In spite of that she did entertain my tomboy nature. At the same time she tried her best to teach me the minimum things a young lady should know for she has to get married and go to another family some day! She taught me how to sew (I sew at times now), grind the batter for Dosa and Idly in a mortar (I don’t even use a grinder now; I buy the batter ;-)) but I was told it taught me patience, clean a house, and so on. She tried to teach me cooking but I never learnt it:-)

My brother was an ace student. She was so proud of him. I was good at studies too but not much into quizzing, debating, Math and Science Olympiads etc. I was the fun loving kind. I always got that look:

“Look at your brother and learn some thing”

He is the ideal son any parents can have, very responsible even as a kid. I was a complete opposite, a rebel sorts. She used to boast about him that he is participating in that quiz, this inter school competition etc to our neighbors, friends, and relatives. I used to think, I will never do that when I grow up. It is embarrassing to talk about your kids like that. When my brother told her to stop broadcasting about him she used to defend herself saying

“I am not making up things. I am telling the truth. What’s wrong?”

She wanted me to be a little better if not as good as him. I mean I used to come 2nd in class always and never pushed myself to get to the top. But she never gave up and patronizing me all the time. I thought she had lot of expectations from me. I did not like the fact that just because he is good at everything does not make it necessary that I follow his foot steps. On the other hand my dad took it easy in my case. He used to think

“She is a girl. She has to marry some day and take care of her family. How does it matter how much she scores in school”

I loved him for that. But my mom was adamant that I do better. She wanted me to shine like my brother. I thought more so that she can boast about me too. She always used the reverse psychology with me

“I know you can do it if you pay attention and work a little harder”

One more thing I never saw my parents fight or argue till I was 20 years old which now I feel is a major accomplishment in life. The usual arguing on simple things started once my dad retired from his work. To relax is a sin for her. She is this busy bee kind of person who is hyper active and ever involved in doing some thing useful all the time. Of course me being on my dad’s side never liked her way of things. Again at that point I used to think I will not be like her. I never understood why she got irritated with simple things.

Now a decade later I am married with a kid and I see her as a role model. I feel so silly when I sit and think that I started boasting about my 3 year old son’s minor accomplishments at his pre school. Her reverse psychology did not go waste as I grew more responsible and determined to achieve things in life for she had faith in me that I can do it and I did it. I should admit I owe what I am today to her and my brother’s untiring efforts

She dedicated all her life for our family. Now I feel if I can do 10% of what she did to us I will consider myself a good mom. I confess that I cannot spend a whole day with my Son playing with his toys and singing the same song for him a 1000 times. I need time for myself be it browsing, writing, listening to music, or watching TV.

She does not favor career women so much. She says they neglect their families. She tells me to stay at home and take care of my son and husband. But I don’t think I can ever settle down as a home maker. I need a job to keep my sanity. Being a home maker takes a lot of conviction which I don’t think I have. I used to think I can be a better mom and a better wife than she is but now I don’t think so. I will surely try to be my best but I don’t think I can beat her. My journey just started and I see that I am not even close to what she was this day that age. Mom, you are the best!

Am I really a Scorpio?

Recently one of our fellow bloggers Shail Mohan read couple of my posts and asked me about my Zodiac Sign. Her guess was either a Cancer or a Pisces. She says that her guess is based on my writings especially reading the following line from “What I leant from a chameleon?”

"I guess I learnt from the chameleon to match my wavelength with the people I interact with to make them comfortable in my presence."

Well, I am neither of them. I am a Scorpio. Shocked, surprised??? Don’t worry you are not the first. I get that a lot. Firstly let me confess that though I did read Linda Goodman’s Star Signs: the secret codes of the universe when I was in high school, I am not very good at analyzing people with their writings, attitude or for that matter even after I know them for quite a while. I am just not good at that. So I am not sure where she is coming from :-(

That said, when ever I say that I am a Scorpio, my friends’ have hard time relating me to the qualities of the sign. Actually after reading the zodiac sign’s not so good qualities I don’t believe myself. I keep telling everyone that may be I have all the good qualities of a Scorpio usually listed in the books and not the bad ones;-)

Coming to the relationships, I did read different books on which signs are compatible etc when I was in college. Well, I am not sure of the correctness of those as I married a Leo that is considered a very incompatible relationship (A Leo man and a Scorpio woman). But guess what, our marriage was arranged after matching our horoscopes by some great astrologers. They said that according to the Vedic astrology our match is a “Sama Saptakam” making us natural friends. My dad said we will not have many fights and will get along very well. That is true to the core.

So I wonder how true are these Zodiac signs, the qualities we possess, compatibilities with other signs. I am not sure if I am really a Scorpio or give a different impression with my writings or my attitude. Keep guessing I don’t care what Zodiac sign I resemble or portray as I know what I am and I am very happy about it. Given a chance I would like to be myself nothing less or nothing more:-)

If you aim at nothing you will hit it – What does it mean?

I bought a plaque which had this quote “If you aim at nothing you will hit it” with a picture of a dart in a bulls eye, more than a decade ago in a Ramakrishna Matt. I related it to the Bhagavad Gita’s most powerful couplet:

Karmanye vA dhikArasthe mA phalesu kadacana
Karma phala hetur bhurma te sangastva karmani

Of course the actual meaning of the poem is different but I loosely translated it as give your best at what you do and don’t aim at the result. If your efforts are sincere you will hit the target. That was my thought when I bought it.

Yesterday I was unpacking some boxes and found the plaque. I tried to understand what it meant. Now, the analyst in me got confused. It does not seem to imply the same meaning for me. I mean how can you hit at some thing if you don’t aim for it right? There should be some target. Some goal which we are trying to achieve may be big or small but some thing to work for.

One way to analyze the saying is “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time!” That can be quite true as you do not have any expectations and you are happy with what ever you get. I like this analysis as it happened to me a lot in my life. I never had huge expectations and wish lists with anything related to my life and I am amazed at how much I have accomplished or should I say I am blessed with that I am completely satisfied and I guess I did indeed hit what I aimed for. I mean had I aimed for the things I have now in my life, and for some reason did not get those I would not be this happy with what I had. Wow, it is getting more confusing now!

That does not mean that one should aim low or have no aim at all and make little resolutions that they stick to. In this case if you don’t have anything to aim at, you will probably hit nothing and achieve nothing. I think the adage works in some contexts and for some people. It definitely does not work for ambitious people. That is for sure. When it comes to not so ambitious people like me, for instance, taking one step at a time, putting in sincere efforts on one thing I do will give good results. In this case, even the second best seems like the best thing to happen. In my opinion life is all about being happy and be thankful what you have and be contended.

There is no short cut to success. Hard work is the key. You can’t fail if you don’t give up. There are people who aim high, dream big dreams, set big goals in life and they aim for it with conviction and achieve them too. These are the people with an attitude of “I can do what ever it takes” and they actually do all it takes to get what they want. The over ambitious people lose a lot in the process of achieving their goals. They do achieve big things, but they miss life’s little surprises, and are completely worn out in the process of meeting their goals. They win some and lose some. But they always regret for the loss.

Is there any other meaning to this adage? I wonder what else it can be.

The content analysis of my dreams

I dream a lot. The theme and content keep changing but I have been dreaming since I was a kid. I usually share my dreams with one of my family member or a friend the day after and then I forget. With three decades of dreaming experience concerning various topics I guess I am very well qualified to be a case study for some kind of “Dream Analysis” project! Well, till some one selects me for such research I thought I can explore the mysterious and fascinating world of my dreams and do a content analysis.

Dreams, they are unique as every individual is. It is said that every dream is connected with our personal life and experiences. It is also said that for the most part dreams are a reasonable simulation of waking life in terms of characters, social interactions, activities, and settings. I don’t think I can completely agree to that statement because my dreams are practically impossible in any real life.

When I was a kid I used to dream the whole Tom and Jerry show. Not the ones I watched but a whole new episode. I wish I jotted them down soon after I woke up, I could have sent the scripts to the directors! I used to dream of being a part of army or military personnel (influenced by a character in a TV series). I used to read science fiction by “Arthur C Clarke”. I dreamt of alien life in a very different way nothing as shown in movies. Recently I had a dream of a full length action movie shot in the streets of Paris featuring me in the lead role of course. How about that?

So what do they mean? What should I interpret from them? Some times I am aware that I am dreaming. When I wake up in between a dream, I go back to sleep and try to search for the part where it was paused and continue from there. This is scientifically possible and it is termed as “Lucid Dreaming” or “Dreaming consciousness”. But one thing I do not understand is how come I am having such heroic fantasies with my conscious mind! I think sub consciously I like experiencing such things but it is terrifying in real life and safe to explore in a dream state.

Recently my dreams have become more realistic. I did a considerable amount of gardening this summer and I had dreams of my garden in a house we lived when I was a kid. I also dreamt of signing books for my New York best seller! I wish it comes true. To dive into this analysis, I think I should have a journal to keep track of what I dream. If I am not able to conclude anything out of it, I can at least use them for my writing purposes. I am positive they make good stories.

I usually wish my friends on their birthdays “I wish all your dreams and aspirations may come true very soon”. But now, I don’t think I will say that any more. Some dreams are better off in sleep than in real life. I guess I will edit the line and remove the word “all” and make it “The dreams of your choice”!

The conscious, unconscious and the subconscious mind

To start with let me explain what made me write this post. I dream a lot. Sometimes I dream almost everyday and more than one dream in a single night! And these days I guess it is the dream season for me. I started thinking about why do we dream and do they mean anything?

My exploration on dreams lead me to Sigmund Freud's research, different states of sleep, and the various states of mind - the conscious, unconscious, and the subconscious mind. While I am still performing my analysis on these topics, I saw a movie today which dealt with schizophrenia. What are the odds?

I just realized that I deleted a chain email which said I will confront bad luck if I do not forward it to a 1000 people. All these incidents sounded a little scary as the movie was, so I thought let me finish writing this, delete the document from my hard disk and forget about these terms forever :)

Starting with the conscious mind, it is definitely not our true self. We consciously try not to hurt people or do something wrong even though in some situations we have a strong urge to do so. Sometimes or may be in many cases we do not express our true feelings to others either because we are scared of the consequences or are aware of the realistic world.

The term subconscious as it sounds is not a complete opposite of conscious. What ever we do in our subconscious state is what we would like to do. But this word is misused as they say that the person may not be guilty as he/she may have done something in their subconscious state.

We all have our own fantasies, insecurities, and lot of other stuff going on in our minds which we do not express always. But at times we open up, we loose patience leading a hypocritical life, may be just for a moment and I guess those are our subconscious deeds.

Coming to the unconscious mind, this is the complicated state of all. This is something which we are not aware of about ourselves. It is cultivated by our surroundings and our brought up.

My perception - sometimes when we strongly believe on doing something and all the facts and people around us support that decision, somewhere something in you says not to do it, an inner voice may be. That is the unconscious mind talking. The voice is a good one in certain people and not so good in others. One should see Ram Gopal Varma’s movies to get a better picture of the scary unconscious minds ;-)

This is my theory of the different states of mind. I have to relate this to my dreams and do a content analysis. Stay tuned for the report!

Why do people write blogs?

People write for different reasons. For some it may be like talking to a person, a friend, venting out all their thoughts and feelings. Some may have interesting ideas and would like to share it with others. Some may do it to start a conversation. Trying to get some comments on their work and discuss about it. Blogging has become a trend these days.

For me, it is different. I am not working right now and I was thinking of changing my profession. I always wanted to write but never tried it out. I was thinking of writing some articles and sending them to some editors. But one fine day, I got in touch with an old friend of mine and she suggested blogging when we were discussing on how to dive into the writing profession. That’s how I started my blog.

For me, it was not to convey my feelings. I was purely looking at my writing skills. The topics I chose were the ones I discussed with my friends over emails which got good responses. So I published them. I am not here to entertain or enlighten anyone with my writings. It is my medium to reach out to people and get some help to go forward as far as writing goes.

For some, they don’t care whether people read them or not. I do. The thought that my blogs are open to public forces me to write well. I think clearly when I write a blog. I get lot of insight when I sit to write. A bonus point is that jotting down my thoughts and feelings makes me understand them better.

I am aware that not all people think like me. But I am sure there are some who think like me and I am going to have an impact on them in some way or the other with my writings.

I am trying out different aspects of writing. I wanted to know if I have what it takes to write about some one else’s situation placing my self in their shoes. I wanted to write a very touching article. I tried “Can I handle the seasons of my life?” and I got a great response to it. Not as comments to the post but via personal emails. But that is fine. I succeeded in my attempt.