How to Live Unhappily Ever After?

              One of my friends sent me this article published in The Wall Street Journal by Augusten Burroughs on the upside of being downbeat, and embracing loss and anger

              I do not completely agree with the author's views. You cannot feel great every day. Agreed. There are ups and down in daily life. Agreed. it must be like that to appreciate the beauty of the small things that bring joy to you. If it always feels like you are in a wonderland it gets boring.

              That said, the thing she said about loosing someone you love dearly and the repercussions on your life I will not agree at all to what she said. I have had first hand experience with my dad and saw my mom go through in fact still going through the loss but it is not at all as she described. I did see my other relatives who went through similar things, some get depressed and go into a psychological shock from which it takes years for them to come out but what I noticed is that if you are strong, have a strong mind and strong attitude towards things, accepting life as it comes and try to live the best of what you are given then you sail through difficult times.

              If you want to sulk and say that you lost everything in life it is going to be quite depressing. You feel betrayed because you invested so much in that person and all of a sudden he is gone then it is not right. I agree that we are dependent on so many things and so many ppl in our lives that it feels like we absolutely cannot live without that other person, and the memories we have of them are going to make it impossible to survive but then if we can engage ourselves in some activities to keep us busy that make us happy we can overcome that loss not a 100% but to a greater extent. 

Life goes on no matter what. It is up to you to make it miserable, livable,or happy.

              There are many things you can do to occupy your selves from your mind not thinking about the thing which is bothering you. Write, browse, volunteer, help someone in need, do something or meet someone who can help you talk you out of that spiral thoughts which lead you to hopelessness and depression. There are so many ways you can make yourself feel useful. Never give up as you have so much in you which others do not have. Serve people for your advantage to heal yourself. These days there are tons of ways to do that. 

              I consider myself quite valuable. I can do so much to help so many people. So a loss in my life is not going to stop me from doing that. I will definitely get effected but that won't stop me from living my life. "I" am quite powerful and I won't let anything in my life shatter me into pieces to make me feel worthless and useless and come to a point where I feel there is no point in living. No body can make me feel that way as I have a rock solid will power.God has invested so much in me by giving me such great life so far, I am not going to betray him. I will make myself useful to help those underprivileged who need help. 

I can go on and on but I hope you get the point.

I am reading the book “Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mom”. My idea is to make my mom read this book and then write an article on how she raised us. According to me we grew up fine just not super accomplished but again that is relative. I am happy and surprised at how well she raised us both. It seemed completely effortless and smooth parenting.

I just finished the chapter “Teeth Marks and Bubbles” from the book. It brought tears into my eyes. I took after both my mom & dad. My dad was super strict. Both of them used to teach private tuitions. I never saw my mom yelling at any kid. My dad on the other side used to think that if I teach you a concept you better get it. If not a) you were not listening which makes you totally unworthy to be his student b) you are not intelligent which is even worse because you are not worthy to study math at all. Umm, I did not like his concept. I used to think he was too harsh.

But call it genes or whatever, I teach my son both like my mom and dad. I yell at him during piano practices but not as much. I never make him feel unworthy of anything but then I yell and shout at him when he just gives up without even trying or lowballs himself that he just can’t do it. Somehow I hold him at a very high position. He is a very smart kid. His dad, me and my bro he is supposed to be smart J

I am not bragging but what I mean to say is that he has what it takes to shine in him. And he proved it several times. I was awestruck and inspired at his intelligence. So it really tears me apart when he says he can’t do something.

I performed on stage several times when I was growing up. I come out as a very confident person. In fact I am. I am not scared to raise my voice and express my opinion. I am not scared to be the leader and bring a change in the system. I can preach/counsel/convince people around me and bring a change into their lives.

People who know me will be surprised if I tell them that I get very nervous when I go up on stage. I shake and shiver. I do complete the whole performance and come down but I hate that part about me.

My son is a lot like me when it comes to confidence. In the sense he does not hesitate to say what he thinks. He is the first one to raise his hand in the class room for anything and everything. He is not scared to be a leader, to suggest things etc… He participates in some of our language enrichment cultural activities on our Indian/Telugu New Year. He is very much into all the cultural things. He loves knowing and learning all about our culture and language.

He knows lot of Sanskrit slokas by heart now and can recite them with great diction. He does not have an accent when is saying those though he does not know the language very well. I make sure to explain him the meaning of each and every word and the overall concept of the poems I teach him.

So he recites them on stage in a competition within his age group in our cultural festivals. I teach him while making him sleep; feeding him breakfast etc… he learns them pretty quickly. I don’t have to tell him to practice; he just keeps chanting them whatever he does till he gets them right J I love that about him.

On the day before the event I make sure he gets enough rest, eats well, sleeps early etc. He wakes up in the morning practices just couple of times more and he is all set. I never saw him fret or fear about the performance. You might say he is too young to understand fear of performing on stage but I have seen kids who come on stage and get scared and forget what they have to say.

He goes onto the stage, with poise and confidence; he is an expert in holding/adjusting the mike. He recites the poem loud and clear and comes back.  His dad and I feel so proud. Of course he never won a prize in any contest but we are okay with it. For the effort we put in, that is more than expected from him. This time we thought he was quite good and would win a prize but it is okay.

When I read the book in which Amy says she was never a good performer and that Sophia her daughter was not at all scared and performed with utmost expertise my eyes were filled with tears. I could relate to what she says with my son. I hope and wish he grows up with this fearless confidence.

To be continued...

Telugu Lessons

My son is taking Telugu lessons in Chinmaya Mission. He goes to class every Sunday. I did not get a chance to sit with him and see what he is being taught and make him practice at home. Since there is no official home work I am taking it easy I guess. Today I had some time and he was in super nice kid mood. He blamed me for not teaching him Telugu at home. Obviously I got offended :) and I took out his book.

I saw some Telugu words and English meanings and when he is eating dinner started asking him translations. Here is our conversation:

Me: I will say a word. If I say a Telugu word you must tell me what it means in English and if I say a English word you must give me the Telugu word for it. Got it?
Son: Wow! I love this game. My teacher always plays this game with us :)

(Wow! I am smart :D)

Me: Store
Son: I don't know.
Me: Okay. It is called Angadi (My son wrote this word in the book)

Seriously? Who calls a store Angadi these days? My grand parents never used this word I guess and I am taking their standard because my grand father was a Telugu Pundit. He used to say Dukanam I guess. They really need to update the syllabus. They might have taken the words from pedda balasiksha. They need to teach words used in the current real world so that kids can communicate when they visit India. Hmm. I decided to escalate this issue to the concerned person to get the syllabus changed :-D

Son: Ask me more mom.
Me: Okay okay.Pen.
Son: I don't know
Me: it is called Kalamu.

Son: Then what do you call a pencil amma?
Me: Umm. I don't know it is just called pencil.

Son: How come? When pen is called Kalamu pencil must have some word too. Kids in Hyderabad don't use pencil to write or do light saber fight? (he is too much into star wars these days)
Me: Of course they do.

Son: Then how come they don't know how to say the word which means pencil?
Me: For some words they use English words.

Son: Amma, it would be so funny if in Hyderabad people use English words instead of all Telugu words when they speak right?
I laughed and said: then it would be English not Telugu.
Son: Ya... you are right. Then why do people in Hyderabad need to learn Telugu at all?
Me: Hmm...... Okay we are getting distracted.

(He has been to Hyderabad and my grandparents village. So he thinks Hyderabad is the only place in India where they speak Telugu :)

Son: Oh I know - They should call it - Pencilu with a "u" at the end. In Telugu every word ends with "u". Even Telug(u). Haha.. I discovered something amma. Did you realize that Telugu ends with a U :)))) (giggles)
Me: Great discovery son. Let's move on.

Arrow - Banamu.

He is writing these words in Telugu. I remembered last year when he first learnt to write the letter - na in the word banamu. He said this is how you DRAW the letter ana - you draw the number 6 and another reverse 6 next to it. Then on top of 6 you need to make a letter C and a reverse C on top of the other 6 and remember to join the 2 C's on top. The C's must look like clouds :)

He is enjoying learning Telugu sooooo much. He says Telugu letters are artsy :) Anyways coming back to word translations:

Me: Okay now what is eggplant in Telugu?
Son: Chittakaya.
Me: Do you mean Chikkudi Kaya?
Son: What is Chikkudi kaya?
Me: It is a vegetable - it looks like a pea pod, the one we have in our backyard.
Son: Uh uh! You said a bad word.
Me: What did I say?
Son: You said pee...
Me: No, the word I said is PEA as in Green Peas. Not Pee Pee.
Son: Giggles....Ohhhhh now I get it. (he is just messing with me. He knew what pea pods were)

Since it was the week of Diwali they taught him the word Fire crackers.

Me: What is a Fire Cracker in Telugu?
Son: Chittakaya
Me: What?
Son: Chittakaya.
The way in which he sounded it out was so cute :)

Me: Lol. No think again. Okay let me help you. You used chittakaya once already. How can two different words in English have the same Telugu word?
(I thought I was smart to give this hint :)

Son: Why not? In English HERE and HEAR sound the same. But they mean different things. So when I say chittakaya for both eggplant and fire cracker it sounds the same but when you write it it is different :)

Smart!

Me: Okay, firstly there is no word chittakaya. So think of something else.
Son: I know. I just made it up in my head. I like the sound of this word. So I am going to use it for everything.

WHAT?

Me: That's not going to work. If you want to learn Telugu, you need to take this seriously.
Son: Okay! Okay!
Me: Fire cracker is called Tapakaya.
Son: See chittakaya is close :)
Me: Okay, let's move on.

What is Curry?
Son: Rice
Me: What? You are giving me a English word. Give me Telugu word for Curry.
He says Annam :)
Me: Okay Curry is not Annam. What are you eating now?
Son: Kura Annam.
Me: Yeah, that means?
Son: I don't know. Hmm.
Me: Okay Curry = Kura.
Son: Ohhhhhhhhh now I get it.

Me: Cool!

Me: Bag is Sanchi
Son: Amma, burglars take big "sanchis" with them when they go to rob a house :)

The lesson ends with this. That was enough Telugu for a day :)

Music and Lyrics

I love music and songs with great lyrics. Well, who doesn’t? I was always under an impression that all music lovers pay attention to the lyrics of a song when they listen to it. Little did I know that it is not always the case! Some people like music for its melody alone. They just listen to the song clue less of its meaning.

In fact, they can memorize the whole song but don’t really know what the song is about. This was a shocking revelation to me. No offence, but some tunes are really good if you listen to the instrumental but justice is not done as the lyrics ruin the song. But then melody alone without the right words is incomplete. Don’t you think?

I used to listen to the FM radio when I was young and write down the lyrics of the songs when they were played. I used to write really fast so that I don’t miss a single word of the song. You never know when it's going to be aired again. I then used to learn the song, sometimes adding my own melody to some of the lines enjoying the lyrics every single time I sang.

My mom bought this 400 page notebook with Nehru’s picture on the front cover and India Map at the back cover. That was the first year they introduced such fat note books. I made it my song book. It was so special to me. I filled every page with a song I liked. My brother used to blackmail me saying he would use it to do math rough work in it if I don’t give in to his demands (mostly give a share, sometimes all of the treats/snacks given to me).

It’s amazing how I never get bored of the songs I like. Every single time I sing a nice romantic song I get goose bumps. I feel very patriotic in my heart when I sing a patriotic song and understand life’s meaning all over again when I hear Kishore Kumar’s Zingadi songs in particular! If I haven’t seen the video of the song, I would direct my own little movie in my head :)

In fact, most of the songs I heard them first on radio or tape and got a chance to watch the video much later in life. For most of the songs, I must say, my directed version was much better than how the actual song was made :) yeah, I will make a much better director - some day!

What role do melody and lyrics play in a song anyways? Which one is more important? Can a song touch your heart if it has good lyrics and a lousy tune and vice versa. I don’t think so. You need to have a great tune to even be able to listen to it the very first time and like it to go to the next step of paying attention to the lyrics.

Here is my theory. Melody is like a precursor for the words that are later going to make it a memorable song. With out one the other does not make much sense. You cannot pick one over the other. It is their combination that delights your senses and nourishes your musical appetite.

Melody/tune is like the physical appearance. Love at first hearing can happen if the melody is good. But you really fall in love with the song only when it is paired with great lyrics. Lyrics are the soul of a song. They stick with you forever. You just cannot forget a nice song that has touched your soul.


Coming to the singer he/she adds a whole new dimension to the song with his/her signature nuances which makes it completely their own. Any other singer can sing the same song but it will not be the same. It is like two artists can paint a similar painting but it will never be exactly the same. A little stroke of the paint brush makes a whole lot of difference.

I listen to romantic melodies mostly. When it comes to romantic songs penned well, I think the lyrics seem wonderfully sensitive. They take you down the memory lane and make you relive the moments of the first time you met your spouse/boy friend, or if you would do it all over again how would you propose or go about your relationship.

I had couple of songs which I heard the first time when I was 12 I guess. I just thought, I would sing it for my guy and the best part is I did. It all worked out perfectly well, and I did sing the three top songs I had in mind for him in the same order. The songs had this meaning, which I really wanted to convey, and it was just perfect.

The best part is I had this one very romantic Telugu song – “Yeto vellipoyindi manasu” I always thought would be perfect if any guy sings for his gal. I used to sing it to myself and feel all special dreaming that someone was singing for me.

When we got married, the next day, we were surrounded by all relatives from his side, and they were obviously having fun scrutinizing me J they asked both of us to sing songs for each other. I sang the first song I wanted to sing to him, and he was a little hesitant to sing and nobody forced him, no fair!

And then next day we went out on a long drive and he said he was about to sing the same song (“Yeto vellipoyindi manasu”). My jaw dropped in shock J Though mine was an arranged marriage it felt like some shooting star, some sign telling me, this is the guy you have been waiting for ;-)

There are some songs for me which mean a lot as they are associated with some special people in my life. It’s like one of your friends introduces a song to you and you just love it so much. When ever you hear or sing that song you remember them, every single time. I actually judge people based on their taste in music J I know its mean, but hey who doesn’t!

Long live all the great musicians, lyricists, and singers who make the whole experience of listening to their songs simply divine!

The real motivators

These days I have a new friend. In fact an acquaintance before who is gradually becoming a great friend with all the similarities she finds with her in me, reading my posts and of course least to mention my frequent visits to their house these days:) She praises me a lot with her heart felt words appreciating how well I write, how creative I am, how much she identifies with me etc. Praise is always good right? Not quite.

Actually many are amply capable of appreciating another person's accomplishments. But it makes a lot of difference in striking the right chord, in converting the words into a genuine praise than a mere flattery. It feels really good when people say it from the heart. Its almost like, you forgot what you can really do and then you rediscover again how talented or gifted you are. At least there is one person who thinks you are good makes it a big deal. 

I just got off the phone with her. She read my blog and she quoted certain posts which really moved her. Felt really nice that someone could connect to my writing in that way. I usually get demotivated and question my skills if I take a break for a long time from what I do. Be it my professional work, or my hobbies. I went through a few of my posts and it felt nice. It made me feel - Wow! Did I really write all these. Not bad for a hobby.

I was thinking, I have been writing from 2007 on and off, and when ever I took a break, it was a new friend who triggered my spirits and increased my appetite for writing. I always came up with great posts when ever I met someone who really instilled that sense of confidence and self esteem in me all over again.

This one is for all the real motivators, among my friends, who made me a better writer. You know who you are, I won't mention your names. I guess the greatest motivational act any person could do to me is to understand where I am coming from, delve into my world and see that what I write really makes some sense.

I feel that every person is unique. But then some people share a certain wavelength that matches their thought process and thats where the spark comes and makes the relationship special. I am grateful to all my special friends who got the best out of me, you are my real motivators!

PS: ramblings, nothing specific!

Random things about me

Recently one of my friends tagged me in Facebook asking me to write 10 random things about me. I thought a little bit and was about to write them but then I did not like to broadcast. But it was at the back of my mind ever since. It has been over a month now I guess and I want to write.

Now you may ask, how this is not broadcasting :) If I post this at Sulekha, it would be I guess. People come here once in a while and its okay if the people that really mean something to me, know a little bit more about me, or if they read and think - Oh! I knew this about her :)

I have not thought about these before. I am going to write 10 things about me, whatever comes to my mind in the next few minutes and I am not going to edit them. Also, I think that it is purely based on the state of mind at a given moment. If I write the same post some other time, the 10 things would change. As of now, I am not in a very pleasant mood :)

Here are the 10 things:

1. I am not good when I have to do something in a specific amount of time. I perform really bad when I am timed. I play lot of word games. I improve consistently when I play a game with out a timer. If you give me a puzzle or a problem and stand before me, I might not do so well, but put it on paper, I will crack it in no time. Not sure why I have this problem, but I would like to overcome that.

2. I am too conscious of my weight. Sometimes, in fact most of the times it really effects my day.

3. I am not very serious about my job. I can do much better, but somehow I don't think I work to my full potential. I get distracted easily.

4. I cannot stick to one thing for long time. I am convinced I have commitment issues. My husband denies the fact saying that I am still married to him ;-)

5. I am good at singing. I want to learn music some day and sing before a large crowd.

6. I am good at puzzles. I want to learn how to solve Rubik's cube this month!

7. I am quite brave. I don't give in easily and I am real good at managing crisis situations.

8. I eat junk food ONLY when I am nervous, stressed out, depressed, sad.

9. I love Cappuccino Chocolate Crunch ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery. I ate it only once though :)

10. I am scared to dress well and look good. I feel guilty when I spend time in self grooming. I was raised with a philosophy that self grooming is a sin and waste of time. Looks like it has been imprinted in my brain so bad, how much ever I try, I cannot erase it.

I want to try this exercise later some day when I am really happy and see what I come up with.

A new blog for my poems

I moved all my poems to a new blog - Musings

I will be posting all my poems in the above blog from now on.

Madhuri