Some things cannot change!

Like me being funny. Looks like funny and me can never be used in the same sentence :-( No it is true. I am sure that by now who ever read any of my posts will confirm that. If this is the first one you are reading you should read my previous post: I have been tagged – I don’t hate men! It is a game. I could have written some thing funny. But I did not. I ended up with a serious note on love and peace. I am sure everybody is cursing me for being such a spoilsport.

If you see my profile you will see it says I am a fun loving person. I am not sure if it is mis leading because I love being around funny people, who can make fun about themselves and others (of course with out overdoing it). I like watching comedy movies. I actually don’t like watching serious drama or sad movies. So where is the problem? I cannot make fun of myself or others. I tried and tried, I just can’t.

I can quote the exact situation how certain things happened in my life and it makes others laugh because I am so dumb at times (or most of the times). But that is the truth. I don’t make them up. I can be funny that way. I can also imitate people very well. There is some fun in that too. But other than that I cannot come up with hilarious stuff. I am too serious and dont participate in making fun of others. I sit and smile. Thats it. So basically I end up looking as a boring person, very philosophical which loosely translates to (for some at least) boring.

It is not completely my fault. I come from a family of very serious and non fun loving people. Actually my dad is a little funny. But my mom and brother are not so funny people. I got so badly influenced by them that it is taking a hell lot of effort to turn into a funny person (which I actually want to be). The only movies we watched when growing up, that too once a year are educative award winning art kind of movies. In Telugu we used to watch only movies by K.Vishwanath. Let me tell you, they are not funny at all.

My mom raised us with all these Epic stories, Sanskrit proverbs, the good and the bad, a strict list of do’s and don’ts. In Sanskrit there is a quote which says what ever you do, do it with Trikarana Sudhi - Manasa, Vacha, Karmena which means purity of thought, speech, and action. I don’t even know why I listened to her. I am scared to lie, make fun of others things like that assuming some thing bad will happen to me. Now I know I was so stupid

I have to change. I want to change. But when ever I make some progress, my mom makes sure I go back to where I started. She is in her 50’s doesn’t mean that I should be philosophical too like her right? Actually she did a great job as I turned out to be purer than her I am not boasting. She does not gossip much but when ever she does, I stop her saying:

Why should we talk about others? Everybody has their own problems. So let’s not judge them or make fun of them.

Yeah, I am that horrible. Some times it feels like I am at a point of no return. The worst part is I asked my 3 year old the other day – “Hey is mom funny?” and he immediately says “Nooooooooo” with a smile. I make him laugh all the time making funny faces, singing, and dancing with him and this is what I get. What is wrong with him? So now I tried the other way, “Hey! If you want ice cream say that mom is funny’. To that he says “I don’t want ice cream mom!”

I dont hate men!

I do not hate men. I cannot think of even some fun things. I am not so funny you know when it comes to things like this.Yes, you heard me right. I do not hate men. I personally think I have been extremely lucky as I hardly had any bad experiences with guys as a kid; as I was growing up, in college, at work, or after getting married.

My brother, father, my class mates, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law, and now my son; well for that matter any guy I have interacted with has been quite decent to me and are very good men. I read some of the posts on this topic and I am aware of the things they have mentioned in there. I do know of some men whom I heard are mean to their wives, physically abuse them etc but I personally have not met them or interacted with them in any way. So I cannot talk about them.

For me, hate is a very strong word. I do not hate anybody. I do have some minor arguments with my husband at times but I am not perfect either. I always do what if analysis before reacting to any situation. If we calm down and try to think through there is always a problem on both sides when ever there is an issue. In any relationship the problem is never with one person.

We definitely cannot talk about strangers but with our own people, our family, we can change them if we are not comfortable with how they are or how they behave. For any change it is an agreement, a trade we should be willing to make. I give you some thing and you give me some thing in return. Let me compromise on certain things which are not very important to gain some which will make a difference.

Coming to men who are strangers who can affect me, I ignore them. I don’t give them a chance to scare me, threaten me, and take advantage of me. I stay away from them and such things. If you are careful enough you can avoid a lot of things. I studied in Co-education schools and travelled in buses. I had couple of unpleasant experiences, very minimal but I taught them a lesson soon.

In my opionion all women in one of way or another need a man’s help. It is vice versa too. We cannot exist with out each other so better come to terms and live a peaceful life. I am positive that if you ask a man he can come up with more reasons to hate women than we do. What is the point?

I thought I could do better than my mom!

Back in the day when I was growing up I used to pay close attention to what she did and used to think if I were her I wouldn’t have done that. OK I should confess before saying anything that she is the best. She is just great. But I was not this smart to understand laws of nature when I was a kid. She used to restrict me from doing certain things saying:

“Remember you are a girl. Behave like one.”

In spite of that she did entertain my tomboy nature. At the same time she tried her best to teach me the minimum things a young lady should know for she has to get married and go to another family some day! She taught me how to sew (I sew at times now), grind the batter for Dosa and Idly in a mortar (I don’t even use a grinder now; I buy the batter ;-)) but I was told it taught me patience, clean a house, and so on. She tried to teach me cooking but I never learnt it:-)

My brother was an ace student. She was so proud of him. I was good at studies too but not much into quizzing, debating, Math and Science Olympiads etc. I was the fun loving kind. I always got that look:

“Look at your brother and learn some thing”

He is the ideal son any parents can have, very responsible even as a kid. I was a complete opposite, a rebel sorts. She used to boast about him that he is participating in that quiz, this inter school competition etc to our neighbors, friends, and relatives. I used to think, I will never do that when I grow up. It is embarrassing to talk about your kids like that. When my brother told her to stop broadcasting about him she used to defend herself saying

“I am not making up things. I am telling the truth. What’s wrong?”

She wanted me to be a little better if not as good as him. I mean I used to come 2nd in class always and never pushed myself to get to the top. But she never gave up and patronizing me all the time. I thought she had lot of expectations from me. I did not like the fact that just because he is good at everything does not make it necessary that I follow his foot steps. On the other hand my dad took it easy in my case. He used to think

“She is a girl. She has to marry some day and take care of her family. How does it matter how much she scores in school”

I loved him for that. But my mom was adamant that I do better. She wanted me to shine like my brother. I thought more so that she can boast about me too. She always used the reverse psychology with me

“I know you can do it if you pay attention and work a little harder”

One more thing I never saw my parents fight or argue till I was 20 years old which now I feel is a major accomplishment in life. The usual arguing on simple things started once my dad retired from his work. To relax is a sin for her. She is this busy bee kind of person who is hyper active and ever involved in doing some thing useful all the time. Of course me being on my dad’s side never liked her way of things. Again at that point I used to think I will not be like her. I never understood why she got irritated with simple things.

Now a decade later I am married with a kid and I see her as a role model. I feel so silly when I sit and think that I started boasting about my 3 year old son’s minor accomplishments at his pre school. Her reverse psychology did not go waste as I grew more responsible and determined to achieve things in life for she had faith in me that I can do it and I did it. I should admit I owe what I am today to her and my brother’s untiring efforts

She dedicated all her life for our family. Now I feel if I can do 10% of what she did to us I will consider myself a good mom. I confess that I cannot spend a whole day with my Son playing with his toys and singing the same song for him a 1000 times. I need time for myself be it browsing, writing, listening to music, or watching TV.

She does not favor career women so much. She says they neglect their families. She tells me to stay at home and take care of my son and husband. But I don’t think I can ever settle down as a home maker. I need a job to keep my sanity. Being a home maker takes a lot of conviction which I don’t think I have. I used to think I can be a better mom and a better wife than she is but now I don’t think so. I will surely try to be my best but I don’t think I can beat her. My journey just started and I see that I am not even close to what she was this day that age. Mom, you are the best!

Am I really a Scorpio?

Recently one of our fellow bloggers Shail Mohan read couple of my posts and asked me about my Zodiac Sign. Her guess was either a Cancer or a Pisces. She says that her guess is based on my writings especially reading the following line from “What I leant from a chameleon?”

"I guess I learnt from the chameleon to match my wavelength with the people I interact with to make them comfortable in my presence."

Well, I am neither of them. I am a Scorpio. Shocked, surprised??? Don’t worry you are not the first. I get that a lot. Firstly let me confess that though I did read Linda Goodman’s Star Signs: the secret codes of the universe when I was in high school, I am not very good at analyzing people with their writings, attitude or for that matter even after I know them for quite a while. I am just not good at that. So I am not sure where she is coming from :-(

That said, when ever I say that I am a Scorpio, my friends’ have hard time relating me to the qualities of the sign. Actually after reading the zodiac sign’s not so good qualities I don’t believe myself. I keep telling everyone that may be I have all the good qualities of a Scorpio usually listed in the books and not the bad ones;-)

Coming to the relationships, I did read different books on which signs are compatible etc when I was in college. Well, I am not sure of the correctness of those as I married a Leo that is considered a very incompatible relationship (A Leo man and a Scorpio woman). But guess what, our marriage was arranged after matching our horoscopes by some great astrologers. They said that according to the Vedic astrology our match is a “Sama Saptakam” making us natural friends. My dad said we will not have many fights and will get along very well. That is true to the core.

So I wonder how true are these Zodiac signs, the qualities we possess, compatibilities with other signs. I am not sure if I am really a Scorpio or give a different impression with my writings or my attitude. Keep guessing I don’t care what Zodiac sign I resemble or portray as I know what I am and I am very happy about it. Given a chance I would like to be myself nothing less or nothing more:-)

You are everything I never knew I always wanted

I did not know what I wanted in you for I was not ready for it. I did not know what I was in the first place to think about how you should be. The thought or need for you never occurred to me when you happened in my life. It was not love at first sight or some falling star saying that this is the guy. I did not feel anything when I first met you.

I must agree that everything changed after that. It felt like I found the one thing I really care about, the one special thing that means more to me than anything else in the world. The things you told me, the dreams you showed me, I never heard them before in any stories or saw them in movies. You were so unique. You are the epitome of every quality that I have ever looked for in another person.

I heard my friends say that you have missed some thing in life if you did not fall in love randomly following your heart. But it does not matter that I missed such excitements in the past as I am enjoying my journey now. Falling in love with you is the greatest thing that happened to me when it was least expected.

You could have been anywhere in the world but you picked me to be with you. I like who I am because of you. My life is better with you by my side. It feels like we are the best match that can ever be made and we had nothing to do with it. It just happened.

I always believed that the trick in life isn't getting what you want; it is in wanting it after you get it. After all these years I know you, I think I would miss you even if we never met. Because you are everything I never knew I always wanted!

If you aim at nothing you will hit it – What does it mean?

I bought a plaque which had this quote “If you aim at nothing you will hit it” with a picture of a dart in a bulls eye, more than a decade ago in a Ramakrishna Matt. I related it to the Bhagavad Gita’s most powerful couplet:

Karmanye vA dhikArasthe mA phalesu kadacana
Karma phala hetur bhurma te sangastva karmani

Of course the actual meaning of the poem is different but I loosely translated it as give your best at what you do and don’t aim at the result. If your efforts are sincere you will hit the target. That was my thought when I bought it.

Yesterday I was unpacking some boxes and found the plaque. I tried to understand what it meant. Now, the analyst in me got confused. It does not seem to imply the same meaning for me. I mean how can you hit at some thing if you don’t aim for it right? There should be some target. Some goal which we are trying to achieve may be big or small but some thing to work for.

One way to analyze the saying is “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time!” That can be quite true as you do not have any expectations and you are happy with what ever you get. I like this analysis as it happened to me a lot in my life. I never had huge expectations and wish lists with anything related to my life and I am amazed at how much I have accomplished or should I say I am blessed with that I am completely satisfied and I guess I did indeed hit what I aimed for. I mean had I aimed for the things I have now in my life, and for some reason did not get those I would not be this happy with what I had. Wow, it is getting more confusing now!

That does not mean that one should aim low or have no aim at all and make little resolutions that they stick to. In this case if you don’t have anything to aim at, you will probably hit nothing and achieve nothing. I think the adage works in some contexts and for some people. It definitely does not work for ambitious people. That is for sure. When it comes to not so ambitious people like me, for instance, taking one step at a time, putting in sincere efforts on one thing I do will give good results. In this case, even the second best seems like the best thing to happen. In my opinion life is all about being happy and be thankful what you have and be contended.

There is no short cut to success. Hard work is the key. You can’t fail if you don’t give up. There are people who aim high, dream big dreams, set big goals in life and they aim for it with conviction and achieve them too. These are the people with an attitude of “I can do what ever it takes” and they actually do all it takes to get what they want. The over ambitious people lose a lot in the process of achieving their goals. They do achieve big things, but they miss life’s little surprises, and are completely worn out in the process of meeting their goals. They win some and lose some. But they always regret for the loss.

Is there any other meaning to this adage? I wonder what else it can be.

A Thank You note from a blogging beginner!

I want to take this last day of the year 2007 to thank you all for accepting me into the blogging world and giving me a warm welcome. I really appreciate you reading my posts and taking time to comment. Each and every one of you made me popular. It is rewarding to know that there is some body out there who likes to read and comment on my work. I started blogging here and had a great start.

As of today I have 20 posts, a few page hits and some very good comments. I want to take a moment to thank each one of you for all the motivation. I would say the last few months of 2007 have been quite rewarding for me as a writer as I never imagined that I could possibly write anything. There is a joke on S/W engineers that if they become writers the story will be filled with keywords like if/else and do/while! So coming from that background and lacking writing skills and being accepted by the blogging world seems like a privilege.

While I agree that blogging is a very different ball game for me I am learning a lot by looking at what others are doing here. As I read the posts by some of the top bloggers I am getting some ideas. I am having a great time reading others blogs and the innumerable comments helps me step away from my own blog for a little while and get some fresh ideas and perspectives. I should mention that my friends are getting lazy in not posting their comments on the site but giving me feedback via email or chat.

I feel that my blogging experience here can bring about rich and wonderful conversations and lead to lasting friendships. I am aware of the fact that it can take a long time to build up a readership. In the mean time I am planning to enjoy the writing process. I started blogging to serve as a writing exercise. After seeing my words up on the internet, I now have the urge for people to read, comment, and relate to them… A natural inclination, I guess. Thank you for making my year a beautiful one!